The Presidential Beatdown: Round 4, the Semi-Finals

This is epic! Both of my favorite president beating the shit out of each other... I really don't know who to root for.... Lulz. Good job. matt! You never cease to amaze me... :D

If I have to pick a winner, Andrew Jackson is the clear choice. But I really think Matt can do better and come up with an ambiguous yet satisfying way to end this.

Ahh man this is going to be a ridiculous last round! I hope Roosevelt busts out some super-secret Panamanian martial arts skills and gives Jackson the yellow fever XD

Also: I didn't know Spanish/American relations were that bad in the 1980's :P

Spell check doesn't know when dates are wrong. D'oh!

epic fail matt, gotta say, i'm Canadian and even i know that the spanish american war started in the 1890's, eh?

It was a typo. Shut up.

i didn't even know there was a spanish/american war...

.....I didn't even know there was a typo......

i fail to pay attention to the details, bam, grammar police 2nd comment in, good one ;]

Andrew Jackson would win because Teddy served 7 years. It gives him more beating time.

My money is still on Teddy. The man has eaten Woolly Mammoth!

big teddy is going to whoop-up on jackson. the guy took a bullet in the chest (which was slowed by the folded up speech) during a speech and had the presence of mind to say "it'll take more than a bullet to bring down a bull-moose" (name of his Independent party during this run was the Bull-Moose party). grade-a bad-ass. he was also said to have only slept a couple hours a day. most people get depressed when the most important women in their lives pass... he turned that into unending outward energy. He EMBODIES "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". teddy all the way!

yea but jackson was shot in the chest without a folded up speech to stop the bullet. not only did that happen, the crazy dude stayed standing shot the other guy and walked home. he has been in so many fights and duels he has battle experience. roosevelt is goin down

Actually I don't think Andrew Jackson ever got shot, unless I'm mistaken he almost got shot but both of the guns the dude pulled on him misfired. Granted Jackson did go ape shit on the guy with his can but A). this is a fist fight, no canes allowed and B). that isn't nearly as bad ass as Teddy. He got shot and didn't even take the bullet out. Teddy is going to whoop old man Jackson.

My money's on Teddy. Sure, Jackson's crazy as shit, but there's just no beating Roosevelt. He'll devour Jackson like his badass snake devoured mouses.

Just realised it should be 'mice'. Cut me some slack, I'm a blonde and I'm from Texas...

Jackson v Roosevelt? That's not even a contest. Roosevelt MURDERED BEARS. FOR FUN. Who did Jackson kill, Native Americans? Guys with no armour and stone weapons, and he murdered them with cannons and guns? Pussy. I know enough about movies to know that a sequel murdering the original is so easy it can happen by accident, Jackson doesn't get points for that. I mean they were such a non-threat they couldn't even take out New Orleans. The freaking WIND took out New Orleans! He's no badass, he's a phony who artificially amped up his badass status by taking on under-qualified opponents in uneven fights.

Teddy to win, in my entirely pretentious opinion.

Oh wait, Jackson also took down british infantry by hiding behind a wall with cannons. As a Brit, I'd just like to say KICK HIM IN THE FUCKING TEETH TEDDY! RIGHT IN THE FUCKING TEETH!

Anyone can "murder bears for fun". It would be one thing if it was with fists, but with a gun? Nothing special. *Bang* *bear falls dead* = Bad ass? What world do you live in? :s

your a jeark to say that and that Unendingfear guy is right tons of people kill bears but still teddy and andrew are both relly awsome and are on the same tear for my favorite president along with abe

Are you serious Unendingfear? You must've forgotten that guns back then had one shot and I'm damn sure that bears won't drop immediately after being shot which means Teddy must have gotten his hands dirty to finish them off. And besides, Teddy also hunted in the Safari, Jackson hunted small tribes of Indians. That's like comparing actual hunting to the type of hunting where they cage all the animals in a small field.

"Death had to take Roosevelt sleeping, for if he had been awake, there would have been a fight."

How much more proof do you need to see that Roosevelt was the shit!!

This is going to be great! But my bet is on Jackson, just crazy and scrappy. He kept killing Redcoats after the war of 1812 was over(Treaty signed December 24, 1814; curb stomping began December 25, 1814). Also before that he invaded then Spanish Florida or the fun of killing indians and Spaniards.

Best round so far, no doubt.

In previous rounds focus hasn't really been at fighting abilities, but more on politics, past events and odd circumstances. What was used as an argument for someone losing was almost seen as something negative in the next round. Also, only serving one term has been a double drawback in many fights, as it has led to both four minutes of getting beat up but also has been used as an argument for them being bad fighters(?!?). This round however was more about fighting, and the thing with wooden teeth was a surprisingly good argument for Jackson.

Also, Roosevelt will easily win the final. Dude wore a monocle, what's more badass than that? Plus, Jackson is like twenty years older! Either Roosevelt is more badass or they're about equally badass. And since they're both insane they will both go all out immediately, charging against each other, saliva spraying as the wretched screams from these madmen echo throughout the dome. So there's a simple law which applies to a fight like this: if two guys fight and one of them is bigger, everything else being equal, the bigger one wins. According to what I found at Google Jackson is 7 ft taller and weighed about 20-30 pounds more.

Congratulations Andrew!

Okay, I don't what what the hell kind of link you clicked on because, one: Jackson is skinny, Teddy is pretty fat. And he still kicks ass like a chain gun in a fist-fight. Two: if Jackson was 7 feet taller than 6-foot-something Teddy he'd be able to body slam the f#cking Statue of Liberty and do some damage. So quit smokin' crack and get your facts straight.

Oh, I meant seven inches.

Well, you were still way off. Read the section dedicated to you in my wall-o-text.

Both are just too bad ass. This will end up with both punching (and blowing) their heads at the same time, creating such a huge earthquake that the countries will fall and asteroids collide.

Pancho.

Roosevelt's got this.

Rooting for Roosevelt.. Yeeaah!

Well, well, well. Jackson vs Roosevelt. It's almost like this fight of epic proportions was planned from the very beginning. As if it was completely controlled by someone... nah. That's a bit outlandish.

At any rate, let's compare:

Theodore got shot in the chest and continued to give his speech.
Jackson was almost shot. Twice. In the heart. Lucky him, though, both of his assassin's guns misfired.

Theodore was tougher in that case, while Jackson was just lucky. I'll hand it to Jackson that he almost beat his assassin to death with a cane afterwards, while Theodore just stood there giving a speech, but man.

They were both military commanders. Jackson single-handedly took a state, Florida, and screwed over the Native Americans. Theodore was the leader of the Rough Riders, which is a name that simply oozes awesome.

Honestly, no one will win, only one person will lose: the world. Roosevelt and Jackson will punch eachother with such force that the world will explode from the sheer amount of awesomeness.

That's my prediction.

badass vs. crazy
this is gonna be AWESOME!!!
if only this could happen in the real thunderdome...

GO TEDDY!

While Jackson still would have won, I think Washington was grossly misrepresented here. He should clearly be worth $1.25.

Well, it seems like there's quite a bit of rooting for Teddy, though I think just about everybody here needs to get their shit straight.

First off, Matt. Washington's teeth were not wooden. This is a common misconception, a legend that has overtaken the truth upon which it is based. Although Washington did indeed have dentures, due to his treatment of diseases such as smallpox by mercurous oxide. However, these dentures were ivory, as I have pointed out in other rounds of the Presidential Beatdown, and they were set with gold springs. Therefore, they would not splinter in Washington's mouth. Andrew Jackson would, though, still beat the ever-loving shit out of Georgy because he is so goddam insane and there would be punch after punch flying.

Now, secondly. User rubberonion. Theodore Roosevelt did not sleep merely a few hours a day. This is stupid and ridiculous. And besdides, if he did, that would be all the more reason he would lose to Andrew Jackson. He'd be droopy-eyed all through the fight, and after all, death had to take him sleeping, didn't it? And yes, he did take a bullet and then keep on speechin'. Andrew Jackson took a bullet and killed the other guy.

Next, user QuadrosMD. Who did Jackson kill? A shitload of people. Not only Natives, who, might I add, were not "guys with no armor and stone weapons," but pretty badass warriors who accepted pain like a fucking birthday present and were able to fire 20 arrows in the time it took a well-trained American soldier to fire once, but he also took on thousands of Spaniards and, as you so nicely mentioned, Brits. He took over the state of Florida because hey, why the fuck not? He mercilessly murdered hundreds of them Spanish down there who were actually better equipped than the much smaller army he led. And the hiding behind the wall with a cannon when the British came? Seriously dude? He led a team of slaves, crooks and, yes, motherfucking pirates into battle into a fully armed British army that outnumbered them more than 10 to 1. Yes, he didn't take over New Orleans, he defended it. Against thousands of Redcoats. With pirates. And lost only 7 men. And killed thousands of said thousands of redcoats. With pirates.

My, my, this is getting quite lengthy, isn't it? Well, I've got a point to make I suppose.

Anyway, on to user vitzkaft. The thing you said at the end with the size and whatnot leads me to believe you are a bumbling idiot. However, as this is judgmental at best and your English is pleasantly literate, I will ignore that part of your argument and simply say that Jackson was 6 foot 1 inch and weighed about 130 pounds and Roosevelt was 5 foot 10 inches and medically obese, though his exact weight is hard to find. Now that I've dealt with that, I will address your other comments. Number one, Teddy did not wear a monocle. I don't know where you got this from, but never is there any evidence of this, and all photos show him with those funny looking glasses that have that extravagant arc between the two lenses. Also, sources say that his eyesight was so bad without glasses that he wasn't able to recognize his own sons. Therefore, it only makes sense that he would need both lenses, and having one over one eye would not suffice. Finally, you pointed out that Jackson was considerably older when he entered office than when T.R. did. Now, though this will definitely effect the fight somehow, I would like to say that age isn't everything. Some guy in his 80's shot three robbers in Harlem a few months ago, killing two of them. Andrew himself nearly beat his would-be assassin to death with his cane in his mid-sixties, and the word nearly is only there because so were a handful of Jackson's cabinet including the renowned Davy Crockett to hold him back and tear him off the bruised and bloody man. Clearly, this guy isn't going to be spending any time in a retirement home.

As the anonymous user below InvalidMusician brought up, Teddy got shot in the chest during a speech and kept on going. The user says that an assassin tried to kill Andrew but both guns misfired. He says that Andy was just plain lucky. Sir, are you aware that Andrew Jackson was known to cough up blood and "rattle like a bag of marbles" for the rest of his life due to being the just plain lucky recipient of a bullet to the chest that was too close to his heart to pull out without risk of killing him? And that this bullet entered Andrew Jackson during a duel where he volunteered to be shot at first, knowing the other man to be a crack shot, and then proceeded to shoot the other guy in the neck, killing him near instantly? All because the guy called his wife a whore? Yeah, I didn't think you were aware of this.

And last of all, I'd like to make my own argument in Andrew Jackson's favor. Besides the things I have already mentioned, there's some more. Such as the fact that he was a POW before he entered his teens. Or that he became a POW when a British officer told him to shine his shoes for him, and 12-year-old Andy cooly told the wank to fuck off, then leading the British officer to attempt to behead Jackson. Faced with a rather pressing matter, Andrew decided to catch the sword. Yes, that's right. He caught the motherfucking sword. Like, with his hand. This, of course, left a scar on his palm and a little bit of his face. Yet that sounds like a much better alternative to decapitation, wouldn't you say? He was also known to have partaken in up to 120 duels. As in, he stood across from one guy who was trying to blow his brains out and then proceeded to blow the other guy's brains out. 120 times. Not to mention that he was known to throw some pretty fuckin' awesome parties and once invited a couple of hookers to a government ball. Sometimes I find it surprising he died of tuberculosis and heart failure, and not some then undiscovered STD. I mean, you can't try to deny that this guy probably got a lot of action.

Seriously, Andrew Jackson was a badass. And yes, Teddy Roosevelt was pretty badass too, but seriously. Andrew Jackson was a fucking badass.

tl;dr

Jesus Christ.

I'll just say that The Presidential Beatdown is fictional and takes liberties for the sake of humor. Arguing the results of matches based on actual facts has no place here.

Haha, I've got money riding on Andy. Besides, I don't have much else to do right now.

Not to mention I've taken your "filling my brain hole" and "coming out of this having learned something" to heart.

Dude, two words for that wall o text.
HOLY.
FUCK.

Matt, add a limit as to how much can be said in a reply, my eyes hurt from reading all that.

"He led a team of slaves, crooks and, yes, motherfucking pirates into battle into a fully armed British army that outnumbered them more than 10 to 1. Yes, he didn't take over New Orleans, he defended it. Against thousands of Redcoats. With pirates. And lost only 7 men. And killed thousands of said thousands of redcoats. With pirates. "

From wikipedia, which in turn claims to use Robert Remini's book The Battle Of New Orleans (1999) as a source: It was not 10:1, it was 7,500:5,000 or 3:2. The British didn't get killed by the thousands, there 291 confirmed dead and 484 captured/missing. And Jackson on the other side lost 13 men as dead and 19 as missing, not 7 as you wrote.

Some quirks in your post further down the line as well, but as my source is (also?) wikipedia I won't bother writing more. I did this just because you wrote such a long post and I thought the exact numbers were very easy to get and so your exaggerated numbers poked me in the eye. With a bayonet.

Mr. Anonymous, I truly appreciate your enthusiasm. I was hoping someone would research that, because honestly, those numbers are completely ridiculous. Don't you feel smarter now that I made you read up on the Battle of New Orleans?

See, that pretty much proves my point. Jackson got pirates to do all the heavy lifting. And I see Native Americans (brave, but really under equipped), the Spanish (also beaten by THE WIND when they tried to take on Britain) and the British (mostly a B team made of German mercenaries, and he needed help from the second most awesome historical characters ever to do it). Oh, and a bunch of other pussies who shot pistols at each other instead of working. In a world where swords existed and were still in general use.

ROOSEVELT MURDERED BEARS. FOR SPORT. Roosevelt had to be ambushed in his sleep because THE GRIM REAPER WAS SCARED OF HIM [citation needed]. Jackson died of Heart failure. Or to put it another way;

JACKSON DIED OF (heart) FAILURE!

It's got to be Teddy. It's not even a contest.

Your arguments lose a lot of their weight when you make silly mistakes like using "effect" in place of "affect". I recommend proofreading whenever you're trying to convince anyone.

Good eye. Yes, I don't proofread my posts on internet humor sites, I find it a waste of time to bother with mistakes like that. Which is kind of ironic, given that I spend a decent amount of time writing it in the first place.

I google-picture-searched Andrew Jackson and and and
...
...
...
...
that guy haunts me in my sleep

Well I've got a respectful reply for Qwerty. I've heard historians say TR routinely went sleepless during nights to have political meetings around the clock. They say he was one of the most energetic presidents ever. and that he was literally wired all the time on coffee or natural energy. Not to mention, Teddy's idea of recreation were ridiculous 20 minute long hikes. One hike was so extreme that a fellow senator travelling with him went back home literally so out of breath he had to sleep for a day.

Also, Teddy matches Andy in the whole "I like beating the crap out of people for minor insults thing." He actually heard his friend call his suit, HIS SUIT, bad and beat the guy down, then waited for him to get back up and knocked him down again. The guy Jackson killed called his wife a whore, if someone called Teddy's wife a whore he wouldn't even used guns, he would just grabbed them, ran them to to the top of the Appalachians, then threw them off the mountain summit. Also, regardless of what you say Jackson was very lucky. He survived a lot of duels by taking shots, not exactly a recommendable tactic. He was nearly killed numerous times only to be saved by a misfire or a mere inch of tissue between the ribs and heart. You know how Teddy survived is assassination? He had a bible in his coat pocket. If there is a god, he's on Teddy's side. Besides, we all know that life just plain hated Andy, his life was just a series of miseries stranded together with political success.

This is just my theory, but I think has good evidence. Teddy was actually a blood god incarnate, and he needed blood to survive. He volunteered for the S-A war to satiate his desire for flesh, and he prospered for many years. Then, his blood-meter was ticking, and WWI was about to start. He asks Wilson to join the war, but Wilson says no, because he's a jerk. Teddy then dies a little later due to his inability to satisfy the blood taxation placed on his body. This being said, perhaps ridiculously said, Roosevelt wouldn't quit until Jackson died because he needs the murder to live!

As for Jackson's duel record, duels in that time generally consisted of two men firing and missing or misfiring, then one man chickened out and apologized, removing the cause for the duel, and it was over. I guarantee you this was how the majority of Andy's duels went. Yes, there were some famous ones where he did some badass shit, but a lot of them were just probably him challenging a guy to a duel, the guy realizing Jackson had full intent to kill, then chickening out after the first misfires. As For Jackson's military career, he was a general. Yes, he may have fought on the front lines sometimes, but ultimately he was a general and this did mean he was not as involved in the action as TR was in his war. TR actually led the charge up the hill. Not to mention, TR was just too damned cool for strategy. All the old civil war generals were trying to flank the hills, take them out without losses, and TR, he just said, "Fuck that! I am gonna take this god damn hill right now and you old guys can suck it." Then he charged up the hill, sustaining huge losses, without getting killed, and taking the hill while using pretty simplistic strategy.

Now, then you might say, "Oh, Jackson is smarter!" Well he wasn't. If a competent general were commanding the assault on New Orleans, it would have been lost and Jackson would have never been president. The British miscommunication basically fucked everything up and allowed Jackson to win. Besides, Jacksons other opponents were definitely of a lesser caliber than the Brits.

As for Jackson's childhood, well TR had a pretty fucking awesome one to boot. TR had horrible asthma and was sickly for a long time. Then, one day he said, "Fuck this! I am tired of being bullied and nearly dying due to my physical illnesses!" And literally, through SHEER FORCE OF WILL he made himself into one of the most fit and badass presidents we've ever had. TR was not a rich brat, he actually literally made himself into a badass to be able to beat the shit out of anyone who insulted him and you can't discredit that.

Also, Teddy had killed an animal on practically every continent. Why, you might ask? BECAUSE OF HIS INSANE LUST FOR BLOOD. Jackson had pride, so he beat the crap out of people to preserve it. TR LOVED TO KILL SHIT AS MUCH AS I LOVE CAPS LOCK AND EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!!!!!!!!1!!1!!!ONE!!! And that sheer desire to kill is going to factor in to TR's victory.

Now, average reader, you might then say, "Oh but TR never fought a war while president!" Well I'll tell you why! He actually said her would never start a war while he was cooped up in the white house. HE WAS SO BADASS THAT HE REFUSED TO LET OTHERS KILL WHEN HE COULDN'T! THAT PHRASE RIGHT THERE COULD BE THE SUBTITLE TO A COURAGE WOLF POSTER IF IT HAD MINOR REVISIONS!!!!!! Therefore, TR is nearly as badass as courage wolf.

Now, Jackson is a boss admittedly, and he was a good fighter and commander but TR is a bigger boss sheerly through a mentality that is so confrontational and awesome that it led him to kill EVERYTHING except an adorable baby bear (and the only reason he didn't kill that was because it was in a cage. I mean where;s the sport? Killing an adult caged animal is at least terrifying, killing a caged baby animal is just awful). Also, I've got goddamn history books and documentaries that can back this shit up. My shit is as straight as an arrow!!!

P.S.- T.R. KEPT HIMSELF AWAKE BY READING WAR AND PEACE TOLSTOY!!! THATS LIKE KEEPING YOURSELF AWAKE BY CHUGGING SLEEPING PILLS!!! So there is no need to worry that he would ever feel groggy during the fight. Sorry if I came on a little......strong.

You have no idea how satisfied I feel right now.

These walls of text are giving me a historection.

I think the true winner is of course AMERICA.

Or, you know, WWE's Kane.

Heh. Heheheheh. "Historection". xD

I still think it could go either way. Honestly Matt, I think you're going to have to think of some hilarious way to make it a tie, because I don't know if there really can be a winner here. Seriously, the world must implode somehow. Or at least do a double take.

I have 2 things to point out after reading the war & peace of comment walls lol.

1st - Only sleeping a few hours a night would not necessarily make him tired all day. Speaking from experience, my insomnia only allows me to get 2-3 hours of natural sleep a night if i dont take my ambien, yet i work a full time job, function normally, and lead a fun'ish after work life even on days where i didnt take ambien the night before.

2nd - Again speaking from experience, hunting bears doesnt make you a bad ass, it makes you a big game hunter. Its not like he ran up to the bears and stabbed them to death with a 3 inch blade on a pocket knife, he used a gun. If he didnt he would be dead. although i dont recall ever finding a bear while hunting, i do enjoy hunting. This fictional fight is with fists, not guns, so him being a hunter of any sort, let alone big game, makes no difference here. same with the dueling, although to stand in front of someone while you shoot at each other gives you balls the size of texas, it makes no difference in a fist fight.

I was trying to make this short but got too long winded so ill say the rest that just popped into my head.

Tall and skinny vs normal height and fat would make for a good fight. I have been in alot of fights, and im tall and skinny so i know lol. the too factors that make this a good fight is tall has the advantage of reach and speed since hes skinny. Fat has the advantage of being generally stronger (thats right, you have more muscle mass under the fat when your fat simply from walking around carrying all that fat) and being shorter would make it easier to dodge.

Overall i would have to say tall and skinny wins in this case cuz both are badass and crazy so it would boil down to speed and stamina, which chances are the fat guy has less stamina, cuz of the fat, so he just gets worn down till hes too tired to dodge then pummeled from the neck up

Good sir, I understand your point about the hunting but the mistake made is this: Teddy Roosevelt's hunting does not necessarily show any fighting skill, it shows mentality, and how Teddy needs to kill to live. As for his weight, the mistake you are making is that he was fat, he was big not fat. Teddy was a very healthy and athletic man, and recreation for him was going on 20 mile long hikes. This guy is not going to tire out. ever. he just didn't. Jackson, on the other hand, is old and has lost a lot in his life at this point, so probably doesn't actually have a zest for living anyways.

You obviously haven't seen the painting representing Roosevelt punching a bear right in the face.

RIGHT.

IN.

THE.

FACE.

austinryan993, I would like to respectfully correct you. Theodore Roosevelt was medically obese. As in, doctors (yes, more than one) took tests and did their doctor thing and Teddy was a fat ass. Granted, he was not as fat Taft, his successor, but he was still one of those guys whom you see outside the 7/11 with a doughnut and a Big Gulp.

Well i just have to mention Qwertylicious "medical obesity" is bs, because a lot of those people in things like UFC are going to be considered "medically obese" and, me personally, I would never tell any of them that.

First, whoever posted anonymously under me, thank you, thank you so much for that.

People have tried to argue that Roosevelt was an unhealthy president. They have all lost. They lose because muscle gives a lot of weight as well. I am not big in this area, but I believe it weighs more than fat. Yes, he was big, but you can not call him fat, because he wasn't obese. The guy literally exercised all the time, and I honestly now have to think you aren't reading MY posts, because I have said at least twice now that the guys went on 20 mile hikes frequently that tired other people out. You can say whatever you want about his weight, but he was athletic, really fucking athletic. Mechanowar is right on this, medical obesity is not representative of athleticism.

Look, I understand that he redefined active, but Theodore Roosevelt's medical records still list him as obese. He had numerous health problems. He was blind in one eye. He had surgery performed on his thigh, and we all know how great surgery was in 1918. He had an ear infection and another infection he got while on his trip to the Amazon, one that probably caused his death less than a year later. Also, accounts from people such as Taft say that during his presidency he "didn't have as good color as he used to" and that his "face seemed fatter and flabbier than it used to." He was well-known for his very loud snoring which, coupled with his throat infection would suggest trouble breathing. Also, he was known to pass out on a few occasions while playing polo, which seems to me that he isn't in the greatest of health.

Well, I would say he probably had those problems, again, from his constant pushing himself. I mean Teddy had more resolve and more initiative than probably any president to date. The guy gorged on coffee and continued to work around the clock on presidential and physical matters with little pause, so it does not surprise me at all that he would have medical problems. To me though, they actually give him a hell of a lot more credit, because it shows the guy was not meant to be a fighter but made himself into a fighter, and has incredible stores of willpower.

Now, if we want to bring up health standards, there is literally NO WAY that Jackson could be on better terms of health than TR. The man is on his last legs, and even though he did harm an assassin, he was not nearly as badass as he once was, and he is definitely hurting physically. I would say you really can't argue Jackson is in any better shape.

Im posting annonymously so I make sure you read my message xD I think you shouls really make after this a world presidential beatdown, presidents of all the countries fighting each other, I would really like seeing Obama Beating Chavez and Castro xD!

there was a Rough Riders movie...just to let you know.

/facepalm

That WAS a reference to the movie. >_>

+Andrew Jackson nickname is old hickory because of his toughness.

+At the age of 13 he joined the local regiment as a courier.

+Then later in the war he and his brother Robert were captured by British solders and held at a concentration camp. There nearly starved to death. He got his scars on his hand and face because he reused to polish the red coats boots.

+Then later there both got small pox and his brother Robert died.

+The revolutionary war was over but general Andrew Jackson and troops didn't get the message. Then the war of 1812 began with the United States with 5000 solders and the British solders with 7000 solders. They were going to attack New Orleans for the water way and that's how the battle of New Orleans happened. Then the war began and the American troops were largely outnumbered by at least 2000 solders. But the Americans were led by general Andrew Jackson and he took down the British and troops. Andrew Jackson became National Hero.

I'm sorry everybody, but the picture I'm about to post will result in an automatic win for Jackson...

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/9/9c/Andrew-Jackson-disobeys-British-officer-1780.png

http://www.treehugger.com/roosevelt-hunting.jpg

'Oh what this old thing? This is just an Elephant I murdered. I was hungry.'- Teddy 'I just nailed your wife' Roosevelt

Sword vs. Hand > Elephant vs. Gun

Well put zkujoe.

Oooooh boy... Shit just got real.

Go Jackson! *waves a lil flag*

Almost everybody put their bets on Teddy... Hmmm... This is why the winner of the final will be Jackson.

Actually, Matt, that NBA game you watched, it was actually the quarterfinals of the tournament. It was the Eastern Conference semifinals, but the quarterfinals of the overall tournament.

Not so equivalent now, eh?

Here's the ironic part. The team that was supposed to be much worse whooped Shaq and Lebron's asses that night. And whooped their asses the entire series.

If it helps, I learned that Andrew Jackson had TERRIBLE SCARS (like deep gashes that healed) running across both cheeks and he threatened the guy who did his portrait (the one he's famous for on the 20 dollar bill) to paint him without the terrible scars. THAT IS PRETTY BADASS

okay so maybe i was kind of off, but he was deft a prisoner to the British and a redcoat told him to clean his boots and he refused (he was 14 years old at the time) and so the redcoat took a sword and slashed into his bone of his left hand and across his head.

think about it, he's a prisoner in the 1700s with most likely NO doctors attending to prisoners, he's just hitting puberty, AND he survived all that. plus he's the ONLY president to have ever been a POW. he brings a whole 'nother meaning to surviving a war.

plus from his 1813 duel with jesse benton, a bullet was embedded in his body til 1831. that's 18 YEARS with a BULLET in your body (um, can anybody say lead poisoning?). when they removed it there were no anesthetics at the time so he had it removed like that.

he was also called old hickory because he could bash skulls better than a bat made of hickory with nails in it.. cmon.

for the battle of new orleans, since american forces were always outnumbered by british forces, this guy temporarily called the help from mo'fu'in PIRATES for his militia. at the end of this battle (british still outnumbering u.s. 2:1), brits had over 2000 dead and all of their commanding officers dead while on the american side only about a dozen died and less than 60 wounded.

alsoooo, when one guy tried assassinating him in his late 60s (in the 1800s that was pretty damn old, the equivalent of our 90s) and failed, jackson beat the crap out of him with his cane.

'nuff said.

Just give up Matt, there's no way you can pull this off

Do not troll.

Teddy will win, because I will kill Jackson for his blatant disregard for our governmental system and the genocide of Native Americans.

Okay, seeing all the comments backing Teddy, i just have to say,

If i were Matt, i would have Jackson win just to piss everyone off.....

Yes Tapifruit, Old Hickory is fucking resilient, like REALLY GOD DAMN RESILIENT. but, Roosevelt is too. Also, there are some things you must consider about Jackson. When he was captured he was thirteen, and back then a thirteen year old was an equivalent of the modern eighteen year old, or maybe older. The next thing is, when the assassin came to kill Jackson, it wasn't like the guy drew a sword and said, "Have at you!" then Jackson took his shirt off, called off his guards, wrapped his hand in bandages and they engaged in one on one combat. What happened was the guy MISFIRED TWICE while trying to kill Jackson, then like every other assassin he said to himself, "Imma GTFO!" and ran for the door, but Jackson's guards by that time reacted and had the man. So Jackson at sixty was not hitting some trained assassin from the Iga ninja clan in an honorable duel to the death, he was hitting some guy who was trying to run in the back with his cane while his guards were there to ensure his safety. This assassin example proves he is LUCKY not a great fighter. also, a cane back then is not like your Grandpa's cane today, it was like a baseball bat, and was used frequently to protect oneself, so the fact that he used a cane isn't really that special either.

You see Teddy is extraordinarily resilient as well. Teddy took a shot to the chest, made a speech with the bullet still in him, then used the fact that he got shot, IN HIS SPEECH. Teddy also built up incredible stamina through incredibly long hikes. Jackson would admittedly endure pain better than Teddy but Teddy would be a much more aggressive and wily fighter. You know anyone who openly calls the presidency the "Bully pulpit" is willing to just beat the crap out of anyone who stands in his way. Teddy was an insanely aggressive and confrontational man and that aggressiveness would make up for Jackson's resilience. Taft was one of Teddy's best friends, and when Taft took office, Taft delineated from Teddy's own line of political thought. you know how Teddy reacted? HE WOULDN'T FUCKING HAVE IT! He literally insulted the man, once his good friend, so harshly and rudely that he actually made Taft cry once when a reporter mentioned their relationship. You know a man is badass when he can make another man CRY just through tongue lashings. Teddy is an offensive master and very good at defense, so we know that he can pummel Jackson so thoroughly that Jackson's resilience will no longer be a question. Besides, at this point, Jackson is old and in decline, Roosevelt is literally wired on caffeine and just as bellicose and awesome as he always had been. Oh, and did I mention that TR headed the NYPD as commissioner! What is more, before he got there the NYPD was one of the most corrupt forces in America. He shaped it up, made it disciplined and made sure every cop had a pistol and that some had bikes. Thats right, TR IS SO BADASS HE MADE THE NYPD BADASS BY ASSOCIATION! TR could have a COP DRAMA written on him!

Actually, I have a respectful reply for you now. You say that the assassin booked it and Jackson's guards held the man while Jackson beat him, however it has been confirmed by witness accounts that Andrew Jackson in fact tackled the man as he turned to flee. So again, I will clarify. In his mid-sixties, Andrew Jackson tackled his potential assassin and then proceeded to beat the shit out of him with a baseball-bat-cane and was only prevented from killing the man because several (as in like five or six) members of Jackson's cabinet restrained him forcibly. I'm faintly surprised that Jackson didn't turn around, beat the shit out of his cabinet, and then kill the assassin, but he probably just wasn't in the mood. Also, he was the first president upon which an assassination attempt was held, and boy, they couldn't have picked a worse choice. I'd bet that even if the gun hadn't misfired, Andy still would have survived and he still would have beaten the shit out of the guy.

"Oh look, a bullet just went through my chest. Time to kick ass."

FUCK YEAR JACKSON WILL WIN THIS

+How can you not root for him when he's drawn so badass like?

Alright, you people are ridiculous. I'm not going to put up yet another long post because apparently either people don't read it or they just say how I'm overloading them with information. I will, however just say that Theodore Roosevelt was not as badass as people make him out to be, let alone as badass as Andrew Jackson.

Okay, Teddy got shot in the chest and kept giving a speech. Once. And the bullet was stopped by a Bible or a speech or something. Andrew Jackson got shot a hell of a lot more times than once. Historians can't be sure exactly how many times he was shot, but there are several definite accounts such as his duels with Charles Dickinson or Jesse Benton, and there have been several sources that quoted people who knew him as saying "he rattled like a bag of marbles" because of all the gun wounds he received.

Yes, Andrew Jackson got shot more than all modern rappers combined, but you have to take a critical eye to this, and see that a less reckless man would not have allowed himself to be so wounded. Jackson was lucky he did not die during many of his duels, because if anyone else were that reckless, they probably would not have had the luck to survive. I don't think you can really put luck in these battles, but if you do, then TR has some of his own, considering his charge with the rough riders was a bloody one and TR really did not get injured (at least from what I know, maybe he got shot in the hand or something, but no one ever mentions that if he did). I am just saying that recklessness can definitely lose you a fight, and weaken strategy, which could happen to Jackson in a fight. I mean he was too reckless with the national bank and had to remove his reforms, and thats just not badass at all.....

You seem to be dwelling a lot on the luck factor. If you really consider that a valid point to argue, then I might as well throw in that Andrew Jackson's luck may just as well serve in the final battle. After all, presidents are how they entered office, are they not?

And I'm sure that having to revoke one's reforms will be a great deciding factor in hand-to-hand combat.

Have you read these? This tournament isn't exactly deadliest warrior. Its kinda a mix of everything. Physical stuff is taken into account, but Rutherford B Hayes lost because of HIS BEARD. It is a competition of general awesomeness, insanity, and even some reforms. So yeah, that actually could factor in based on the fact that there is no established criteria and Matt definitely isn't writing this up in a strict historical fashion [CITATION NEEDED]

To quote Matt, "I'll just say that The Presidential Beatdown is fictional and takes liberties for the sake of humor. Arguing the results of matches based on actual facts has no place here" So yeah, interpret that how you will, but thats a primary source (kinda). You can OPVL that crap, and its solid.

I suppose you bring up a good point. But in this case, that might Teddy's downfall, because will you just look at Andrew motherfuckin' Jackson's sexy motherfuckin' hair? And as if that weren't enough, Andrew Jackson had sideburns for a large part of his life. So, I mean... Yeah. He's sort of got it in the bag as far as badassery by looks goes. And you mention insanity. You can't even argue that Andrew Jackson is by far the most insane president we have ever had. He is a complete and utter madman, batshit insane by even Salinger's standards. I really think Jackson will win.

Andrew Jackson's hair is very sexy, but it is counterbalanced by Roosevelt's mustache. I mean that thing is iconic. The only way you can get a better mustache is if you are Stalin. So I would say they were tied in terms of looks.

Now, on the second point of insanity, they are also equaled. Teddy was a man who beat the shit out of friends for insulting his suit. I've gone over this all before. He is basically a blood god, So I would say he would equal Jackson in insanity as well.

I think that if you couple the sexy hair with the sideburns (careful now, that counts a lot in Matt's book) it beats Teddy's iconic 'stache.

And again on the point of insanity, Andy remained insane throughout his life which was a decent bit longer than Teddy's, and I'd say that as one ages, the insanity escalates. Ergo, beating the shit out of your friend in your 40's doesn't quite stack up to beating the shit out of your assassin in your late 60's. Besides, Andrew Jackson did more than just that to earn his rank as a crazy-ass motherfucker.

YES. COMMENCE THE ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN.

I think Ms. Beaton would vouch for Mr. Roosevelt:

http://harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=54

there is literally nothing else on this earth hotter than your drawing of Andrew Jackson, Matt.

I drew a picture!
http://img9.imageshack.us/i/rooseveltvsjackson.png/

My money's on Roosevelt.

Teddy's definitely got to win the match. Ignoring both fighter's badass accomplishments, Jackson was about a week away from turning 62 at inauguration. Teddy was 42. I don't really care what Jackson did in his considerably younger days. Even though 62 is considered old now, you've got to understand that it was positively decrepit during Jackson's time. Honestly, I don't understand why he got past round one...

Its OK Qwerty, we just have to come to terms with the fact that no one really wants to read our long ass posts all the way through without skimming.

Now, I have my rebuttal for you good sir. Jackson did tackle the guy, but again, he was booking, all I am saying is that assassination has been a little exaggerated. Now, I know you aren't convinced of the scale of TR's badass scale being well over nine thousand, so I'll pull what I think is probably my last stop.

Theodore Roosevelt and his son actually explored a huge uncharted part of the Amazon after he left office. Let me put this in context. Theodore Roosevelt, just some four to five years before his sudden death, went to explore the fucking amazon jungle with one of the most famous explorers ever. This is actually shit that would be put into a movie. I mean he literally went into COMPLETELY UNKNOWN sections of the AMAZON JUNGLE. He wasn't with a huge crew like in Panama, this was an exploration crew. This is actually acknowledged as one of the most physically trying experiences to possibly undertake at the time. What he was doing was so god damn crazy and risky that some people DIDN'T EVEN BELIEVE that he had did it and returned. His journey is documented as one of incredible hardship as well, so this wasn't just going through a tour of the civilized areas of the Amazon, its going through what would be a hellish scenario for him, and returning. If this is not a marker of SUPREME badassness, then I honestly do not know what is.

I honestly do not think this match is a shoo-in for either candidate, both are amazing badasses, but I have to think TR would win this.

My 70-something year-old great uncle went cliff-climbing last year in the Amazon to take pictures of some waterfall (he's a professional photographer, specializing in nature). He sleeps with tubes and shit hooked up to him because he's got numerous severe medical conditions that make it hard for him to breathe, and when he sleeps he stops breathing. He had nothing but two things to say about the trip:

1) "These are some the best photos I've ever taken"

and

2) "I usually like to leave the easier stuff until I get older, but I thought, what with deforestation and stuff, I might as well do that trip now"

Now, either I have an incredibly badass great uncle or traipsing around the Amazon isn't as remarkable as you make it out to be.

Or both. Probably both.

I tried to post this anonymously, but it hasn't showed up and I am impatient. So I'll just post it again.

Basically, the Amazon jungle was a hell of a lot less tame in the 1910's than it was now. No one dared to go into the Amazon jungle, because ti was scary as fuck, but Teddy went in there. He went deep into unknown land where very few had tread before and came back. It was so impressive some even refused to believe it. There is a book written solely on this topic. Its a long book too. So, I would bet the adventure was epic, just because it alone could occupy a good number of pages. So, when historians and people of the time say that it was ridiculously dangerous and insane and a supreme test of your might to go into the Amazon, I would have to think it was. Your great uncle is a badass, because I do not know any 70 year old who would do that, but I doubt he went into the depths of the place into completely uncharted areas where no one but a few natives had gone before like Teddy did (and if he did, then he really is a badass). So you are actually underestimating it, and I am not overestimating. Seriously, this is the shit Indiana Jones does in movies.

Fine, I'll take that, but not before saying that this trip is probably what killed him. When he got back it was recorded that he had gotten an infection that "still poisoned his blood" by the time he died, less than a year later. He died in his sleep and it was written down that he died of "natural causes," but tell me how, if he really was in such great shape, did he die naturally at age 60? Can this trip still be considered that badass if he died because of it?

First, 60 in the 1900s was still pretty old. I mean 60 didn't start to not be old until like the advent of penicillin and its usage (It was honestly miraculous Andrew Jackson lived to such an age). The fact that he did die at that age shocked a lot of people because they saw him as so fit. The fact was the man was insane and he took it too far. He pushed himself well beyond his threshold. He pushed well beyond his own limit, and that is pretty badass. So yeah, I would say even if the amazon jungle killed him, the trip still makes him a badass. If the duel in which Andrew Jackson took a shot to the chest, killed him, but he still killed the other duelist, it would still be badass. My main point, however, is that Teddy would really win because he does know what the word "stop" or "give up" actually means. He got laughed out of New York government for trying to bring down corruption, but what does he do? He doesn't join the machine, he becomes police chief and tears it apart. Teddy would fight while unconscious to beat Andrew Jackson.

True, but it's not like Jackson is a level-headed guy or anything. He'd go ape-shit on Teddy. That's why it's such a hard fight to decide. Theodore Roosevelt wasn't a quitter, but Andrew Jackson never got the chance to quit, cuz he got shit done. I mean, he was pissing people off and being all maverick and crap well into his seventies. And yes, Teddy would keep fighting, but he wouldn't be able to beat Andy. It would become a thing of endurance, and though Jackson was considerably older, he didn't have any serious ailments like Roosevelt. Plus, I might as well bring up now that Andrew Jackson has a time advantage over Teddy of one minute, and it is probably this advantage that convinces me that the winner has to be Andy. He will unleash like such a crazy clusterfuck tornado that Teddy will barely be able to hold his own. And while it'll probably take him longer than the one minute, Andrew Jackson will be out of the gate ahead by too far for TR to catch up, and Jackson will win.

Woo! Used my comment!
Um my money is on Roosevelt.
He's so hardcore that today's Chuck Norris facts come from Theodore Roosevelt facts.
Like how Roosevelt was a paperboy when he was younger. There were no survivors.
Or how Roosevelt sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Did you know that in the average living room, there are 1024 things Roosevelt can kill you with including the room itself?
He's kind of at a disadvantage becaulse he doesn't ever wash the blood off before a fight, but usually he doesn't need to. Do you think that Jackson's craziness and unpredictability will be enough to defeat Theodore "Danger" Roosevelt?

T-Rose FTW!!!

I'm not even going to explain myself again. Andrew Jackson is greater than or equal to Theodore Roosevelt. I hope the fight results reflect that accurately.

Honestly, despite both being extreme badasses, jacksons hair wins.

I demand a no-holds-barred, all-rules-out-the-window final!!!!!!

Dylan

Andrew Jackson is going to beat Teddy; it'll be a tough fight, but Jackson will win. See, while people give Roosevelt props for being shot and going on with his speech, his war experience, and the Teddy Bear, we must not forget Jackson outshines Roosevelt on all of these things, which I will explain below.

1) Assassination Attempt
See, while Roosevelt was badass enough to go on with his speech, Jackson was so badass he was able to use his Matrix-like reflexes to avoid getting shot, stabbed, or have his majestic hair mussed. Furthermore, while Roosevelt was content to let his bodyguards take down his attacker, Jackson was all "OH HELL NAW" and went Crazy-Old-Guy-On-A-Bus on his attacker.

It doesn't matter if Roosevelt was wounded, letting your bodyguards take care of your assassin is for pussies; just ask Trotsky.

2) War Experience
See, while Roosevelt participated in more battles and such then Jackson by far, there's a reason why Jackson isn't known for his involvement in war: Using Jackson in battle was considered unfair at best and a war crime at worst.

3) The Teddy Bear
See, on one hand, Roosevelt did get a stuffed animal named after him; on the other hand, having a harmless, adorable stuffed animal named after you is probably not the best indication of badassery.


As you can see, while Roosevelt is strong, tough, and has stuffed animals, Jackson has litheness and absolute batshit insanity on his side; see, here Jackson is Max and Roosevelt is the giant retard (who, for that matter, probably also loved stuffed animals). As soon as the whistle that is Jackson's pants-crapping crazy sounds, Roosevelt is going down and getting hit with the crossbow bolt that is Jackson's rage... Or an actual crossbow bolt, given we are talking about Jackson.

If Teddy gets his horse (i.e it's not a weapon, it's an animal) then he would kick some ass.

I just love the Presidential Beatdown. But who does'nt?

My money is on everyone getting even more serious about something that's just for fun. Seriously, it's fiction. It's not real.
Also, Jackson FTW.

This is absolutely going to be epic.

BRING IT ON.

Alright, I'm way too lazy to write like fucking seven paragraphs about this shit, like the other people who have commented. All i'm gonna say is Andrew Jackson has been in like 12 duels, he killed Charles Dickinson who had a reputation for being an excellent marksman. And the whole thing about learning from this is true; now in History class everytime Jackson gets brought up I can show off my supreme intellect and talk about how much of a badass he is and that despite him being 67, he still beat an assassin almost to death!

I pick Roosevelt for the winner in the final round.

A lot of my bracket got destroyed in this competition, but I picked Roosevelt to win from the beginning.

Roosevelt is going to win this easily. The man was a Rough Rider, he was the original Trust Buster, and has his face on a mountain. A MOUNTAIN! Hell, Roosevelt created a superb navy, painted them white, and sailed them round the world to show the world what's what.

While Jackson is "crazy", he has a bullet in him at all times and is old. Not to mention is responsible for the deaths of millions of innocent Native Americans. The guy's an ass.

Plus Roosevelt has a sweet stache.

Trust buster is an economic term. He stopped large companies from buying small companies.

Sure the guy was a dick, but so was Teddy and Andrew Jackson killed for fun.

Andrew Jackson is gonna go all super-sayan on poor bear-like teddyboy

Jackson may be crazy, but Roosevelt was a badass. My (nonexistent) money's on TR. :D

Don't have a Twitter, but I'd like to get my two cents in.

http://www.badassoftheweek.com/jackson.html

You're welcome.
-Ethan

If Jackson doesn't win this fight, then this website is wrong and I will never come back here again.
P.S. Teddy Roosevelt's a fatty.

amen to that

when i was reading about Roosevelt, it was like the entire chapter about him in my history book was describing his toughness. he eats badasses for breakfast

Jackson eats Roosevelts for breakfast.

The stroke of FDR was a fake. It was really Jackson eating his dinner so he could get Truman in office to see some nukes.

Yes, that's how awesome he is. Even in badass-land (when you're Jackson, you make your own heaven), all he wanted to see was nukes.

GO TEDDY

Ok I found some interesting facts on Andrew Jackson, I read most of the comments below but they didnt any mention of them. Here are the facts about him that reveal ole AJ to be not only a badass, but the rightful victor of this face-off:

Dueling: You know that duel everyone talks about where he got shot by Charles Dickinson and it embedded inches from his heart? Guess how he killed old chucky boy? that's right a shot to the groin. The groin, children.

Not only was his retaliation brutal, as Charles died a painful and slow death soon after, but he was dealing a badass pun-kill. Reporters must have had a field day: "Dickinson shot in dick" or "Dick shot kills Dicko". How humiliating, President Jackson, often called crazy, was one savage and calculating motherf---er to kill someone like that.

Secondly, in 1803 the governor of tenessee John Sevier woke up one morning and decided he'd take a crack at AJ, so he decided to heckle him mid speech with this sneer:

"I know of no great service you have rendered the country except taking a trip with another man's wife."

To which Jackson must have responded juggernaut style with, "Do you not know who I am??" before leaping at him and challenging him to a duel.

Well guess what come duel day, Sevier hurls more insults and Jackson being the fearless maniac that he was, charges him with his cane before they even get the guns out. What does Sevier do? He draws his sword. What does Jackson do? What only a badass with more testicles than common sense would do. He keeps coming at him! Cane vs Sword, hand vs sword (at age 13), Jackson has stones. Big hairy fucking stones.

Add the fact that AJ was the first true american-born president out of his forebearers and we realise that he did all this awesome stuff because he had the pure blood of the nation flowing through his impressive veins.

AJ wins, Gameover.

But Washington had that whole thing about chopping down that cherry tree. He would probably bring an axe to siad "fist-fight".