The Presidential Beatdown: Round 3

The Presidential Beatdown: Round 3
Part 5 of 7   |   1  2  3  4  5  6  7
May. 7, 2010
The finish line is starting to look real close for our fighters right about now. The winners of today's matches will officially go on to the the semi-finals. The final four! It's kind of a big deal. Forget about winning the election or the birth of your children... after this, you're officially one of the best fighters to ever hold office!

Click to enlarge.


I think it's interesting to point out the political affiliations in these last brackets. Out of eight Presidents, 5.5 are republicans and 2.5 democrats (Jackson was a Democrat-Republican, whatever the shit that means, so he counts as half for both). The Republicans are definitely dominating by more than 2:1, but the Democrats are still holding their own. Meanwhile, Ralph Nader sits in the audience, twiddling his thumbs, grumbling about how he could have beaten everyone if only all those stoners had remembered to vote.

Match #1: George W. Bush vs. George H. W. Bush

Well would you look at that. Bush vs. Bush! It's almost like I planned it. Yep. Total coincidence. Swear.

A father/son match-up like this is destined to be epic, as if it were out of an old Greek fable, like Oedipus just without all the sex-with-mom stuff. If you'll remember Oedipus, as predicted, the son ends up killing the father. Does this mean that Bush Jr. would kill H.W.!?

No. No it doesn't.

User Animurphs commented in the last round that H.W. wouldn't be able to hit his own son. This couldn't be farther from the truth. Bush Sr. would have absolutely no problem beating the hell out of his son. In fact, when faced against his own father, Bush Jr. would revert to an almost childlike state. This isn't really that big of a difference, though, so it's not a huge advantage to daddy Bush. But he does have a long history of whipping the crap out of him with his belt, which is exactly what'll happen all over again.



Winner:



Match #2: Theodore Roosevelt vs. Ronald Reagan

Let's take a brief glance at Reagan's road to the White House. Before entering into politics, Reagan was an actor in Hollywood, appearing in over 50 films throughout his career. During the Red Scare, he became very active in the disputes over communism in the film industry, sparking his interest in politics. Soon after, he was elected as the governor of California. Showing interest in running for President, he soon won the Republican Presidential nomination.

Doesn't this sound a little familiar? A popular actor elected as California's governor who shows interest in running for President? Sounds an awful lot like California's current governor, Arnold Schwarzenwhatever. I need not remind you how much of a badass he is. There's no question if he could beat up any President. Luckily for the rest of our contestants, it's illegal for immigrants such as himself to run for office. At least for now.

It looks an awful lot like Reagan shares a lot in common with a guy who is known to frequently beat up aliens and robots. Does Roosevelt even stand a chance against this guy? Of course he does. Quantifying one's fighting abilities to that of another man's fictional movie character's, based solely on similar political aspirations, is completely flawed logic. Whoever brought up the connection to begin with is obviously just padding this match with fluff, saving the good stuff for the final four. Look at that, three paragraphs of bullshit that has nothing to do with the fight at hand. Despicable.

Truth be told, Roosevelt has the obvious advantage. Both Roosevelt and Reagan were shot in assassination attempts, but after Roosevelt was shot, he noticed he wasn't dead and continued with his speech, bullet still inside him. Reagan, on the other hand, was immediately ran to the hospital. Roosevelt is clearly the bigger man (again, not a fat joke).

Winner:

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59 Comments
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xeroxfm  [8 posts]
2 years ago
Ha. Genius.

It is heading for a Roosevelt v Jackson match for sure. I swear, if I won't get at least two pages describing that epic match, I will be angreh, or even Angreh.

Nice pics by the way.

 
 
Pheonix311  [2 posts]
2 years ago
im thinkin bush and jackson. bush is just too psycho for roosevelt

 
 
moonrider29  [2 posts]
2 years ago
Teddy! Teddy! Teddy! Teddy! Also, I'm glad I wasn't the one to invent slavery...

 
Anonymous
2 years ago
Teddy for sure

 
V2Blast  [12 posts]
2 years ago
Go TR!

Also, does he get to use his big stick?

 
 
Elizashizzle  [34 posts]
2 years ago
Awesome. It's going to be an epic battle.

Also: I like how you incorporated vistor comments. :D

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
I'm a jerk. In other news, I love the presidential beat down, I hope the final match goes between roosevelt and jackson (its draw it's sexy).

 
 
guyfromupover  [131 posts]
2 years ago
Genious matt, really genious. I like how you actually go all out into the research on who did what.

As for my predictions, I am betting Roosevelt will beat the crap out of Bush Sr. Jackson and Washington is a really close matchup, but if i had to choose a winner, it would be Jackson.

Final matchup, i predict a bloodbath, with both sides beating each other senseless, but ultimately with Teddy coming out on top. Who knows, maybe i'm right?

Taking all bets! Taking all bets! I have 4 to 1 odds on Bush and 2 to 1 on Teddy! Jackson and Washington are both 2 to 1 odds! You can't win if you don't bet! Don't be a loser! Bet now!

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
NOOOO!!!
Why did washington have to invent the uppercut? *sob*

 
 
Qwertylicious  [98 posts]
2 years ago
Plus, your drawing of Jackson is awesome. I mean, come on. Look at that guy. That's what I call mother fucking badass, right there.

Also, there seems to be a lot of emphasis on the fact that Honest Abe was 6 foot 4, but not much mention of the fact that George Washington was 6 foot 2, and Andrew Jackson was 6 foot 1. 2 inches doesn't really seem like that huge of a difference. You might find this interesting: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heights_of_Presidents_of_the_United_States_and_presidential_candidates

 
austinryan993  [15 posts]
2 years ago
I've gotta agree. I was surprised Washington nor Jefferson's heights were considered. Also, Washington was very tall in a time when the average height was smaller too, so I would imagine that if he were transfered to Lincoln's time he would be of equal height to Lincoln, perhaps even taller. Based off his build and what we know about his constitution (no pun intended), he would be the modern equivalent of football player too.

 
 
BadicalDude  [30 posts]
2 years ago
Awesome! love the added pictures

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
I agree that Jackson was pretty badass, but i dont think he'll stand much of a chance against washington's newly discovered uppercut. i think the final will be washington vs teddy, and the sheer awesomeness of this will just destroy the world

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
Theodore Roosevelt Vs. Andrew Jackson.

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
Actually, I'm pretty sure Jackson created the Democratic party.

He's honestly the most badass president there was. He destroyed a British army of 7500. THATS AWESOME MAN.

I'm shootin for Teddy vs the Jacksonator

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
GAHHH! If Lincoln had beaten Washington, I would be 100% on this tourney so far. Oh well.
Side note. Does anyone else think that Washington's uppercut looks like Mario hitting the blocks in Super Mario Bros.?

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
Democrat-republican isnt both i think it's the early form of republican. Just letting you know

 
jkmacdonald  [16 posts]
2 years ago
Incorrect. Democratic Republican is the old name of the Democratic party. The republican party did not exist until the 1850s.

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
i find it funny that none of the guys in the beatdown bracket's picture got past this round

 
guyfromupover  [131 posts]
2 years ago
lmao yea i noticed that too. although i'm not sure who the second or the fourth are.

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
Teddy's my boy, okay? He was the most badass president ever.

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
I'm a Canadian, so I can appreciate Jackson's insanity. He's probably gonna jump onto Washington before he can loose his uppercut. This will most likely be followed by a couple throat-punches and the manual removal of Washington's wooden teeth. Goddammit, Andrew Jackson is a badass!

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
Jackson actually let himself GET SHOT in one of his duels. Here is a Wikipedia thingy on it:

Charles Dickinson, the only man Jackson ever killed in a duel, had been goaded into angering Jackson by Jackson's political opponents. In the duel, fought over a horse-racing debt and an insult to his wife on May 30, 1806, Dickinson shot Jackson in the ribs before Jackson returned the fatal shot; Jackson allowed Dickinson to shoot first, knowing him to be an excellent shot, and as his opponent reloaded, Jackson shot, even as the bullet lodged itself in his chest. The bullet that struck Jackson was so close to his heart that it could never be safely removed. Jackson had been wounded so frequently in duels that it was said he "rattled like a bag of marbles."[53] At times he coughed up blood, and he experienced considerable pain from his wounds for the rest of his life.

 
 
mayker  [7 posts]
2 years ago
George Washington would totally whip Andrew Jackson in a fight. He's a much bigger guy, for one. Any jaw punches from Jackson would result in splinters, and Jackson's much to crazy to come up with a good strategy, while Washington, being one of the most brilliant minds in American history, would be able to calculate each move before they happen- like that scene from Sherlock Holmes.

 
 
Drakanaa  [14 posts]
2 years ago
Washoryuken!

Jackson > Washington
Roosevelt > Bush

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
Jackson ftw. He beatan assasin almost to death with a cane when he was like 70. He duels like a badass, killing like 50 people. And he defended against the Redcoats with an army of freakin pirates. That day, over 1000 redcoats died, and the pirates and sailors lost about 7.
And, best of all, they had to remove his pet parrot from his funeral cause it wouldn't stop swearing.

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
Yeah, Lincoln should have won. You know it, I know it, Thanks for trying.

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
My favorite president, Theodore Roosevelt has this match in the bag. He has to win.

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
God damnit! My quest to find Matt Melvin to annoy him in real life is failing! after five lo9ng years, all I got is this random place on google maps.
(please don't ban me I'm just having a laugh.)
This is seriously what you get from typing, where does Matt Melvin live? on google.
lol@ child abuse.

 
 
Zain76  [2 posts]
2 years ago
I do believe that Washington was also six feet tall, 6'2 compared to Lincoln's 6'4.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heights_of_Presidents_of_the_United_States_and_presidential_candidates

 
 
hamstatler19  [24 posts]
2 years ago
HA!

I've definitely been pulling for Andrew Jackson ever since the beginning of the Beatdown. Washington may be the first American President under the Constitution, and he may have also been a decorated war hero, but Andrew Jackson still has the advantage, in that he could probably punch a bull in the testicles so hard that they flew out its nose fully cooked and ready to be consumed by his backwoods "Kitchen cabinet". They, of course, were a group of his drinking buddies and such who gathered into his house to talk politics with our boy Andy.

Advantage, and EPIC WIN: Jackson.

And the whole Roosevelt Vs. Bush thing? Well, Roosevelt lead a ragtag group of Cavalry soldiers known as the Rough Riders, (Which honestly sounds like a variety of condom, but I digress...) during the Spanish American War in Cuba. I mean, come on, Roosevelt was, and still is, the only man in history to ever receive his nation's highest honor for military valor (Medal of Honor, posthumously awarded in 2001 for his actions at San Juan Hill and Kettle Hill), and the world's foremost prize for peace. (Nobel Peace Prize, for negotiating the end of the Russo-Japanese War). Needless to say, this guy was not only a badass to be reckoned with, he was also a godhand. Whether or not you got cracked in the face with a rifle butt, or a pat on the back over a few shots of whiskey, rested entirely on his shoulders.

Bush Sr. doesn't stand a chance.

Advantage, and likewise EPIC WIN: Roosevelt

 
 
rubecuber  [2 posts]
2 years ago
So, I think it's pretty obvious that it'll be Jackson versus Roosevelt. However, Jackson will win. Although Roosevelt is pretty badass and was a boxer, he is too much of a gentleman to go apeshit on Jackson. Jackson, however, is fucking crazy and would not hesitate in the slightest to beat Roosevelt to a bloody pulp. Besides, Jackson was not only in duels many, many times, but he usually started (and ended) them. Although Roosevelt was at one point a boxer, Jackson is much too hardcore and unrestrained and Teddy, being the gentleman at heart that he is (besides he had asthma for crying out loud, even though he got over it) could not afflict Jackson the same way. Besides, Roosevelt was raised a spoiled child whereas Jackson's parents orphaned him and he grew up in the "wild". Jackson would definitely win.

 
austinryan993  [15 posts]
2 years ago
Actually, you would be surprised. Teddy was not a gentleman by our standards, he was a gentleman by 1900 standards, which allowed you to beat the shit out of people for slight insults. A friend of his, A FRIEND, insulted his suit so he punched him until he fell over, waited for him to get up them punched him down again and told him never to do it again. Also Roosevelt was born to a rich father, but he was not spoiled. He grew up a weak, asthmatic, bullied child and had numerous brushes with death. Then he actually literally one day "decided" to make himself better, beefed up and became a naturalist, hiker, boxer, and soldier out of his own sheer volition and willpower.

 
 
CiberAJ  [4 posts]
2 years ago
Wouldn't it be great if you made a whole animation for the final battle :D? Like the shorts from c & h?

 
guyfromupover  [131 posts]
2 years ago
It would be too epic. The world would collapse in on itself. Like everyone dividing by zero at the same time. Lets do it.

 
 
CiberAJ  [4 posts]
2 years ago
:D?

 
 
Slashmolder  [1 post]
2 years ago
Proof that TR is going to win: http://img571.imageshack.us/i/2934f1cc36185de2large.jpg/

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
I should mention this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7iVsdRbhnc&feature=related

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
Roosevelt versus Washington, with game going to Ted.

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
Theodore Roosevelt vs Andrew Jackson
Roosevelt hunted damn near everything on earth
Jackson got slashed across the face with a sword when he was like 10 and owned the dude who did it to him

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
Roosevelt v Jackson!
Roosevelt v Jackson!

 
 
Animurphs  [12 posts]
2 years ago
Final Round

Jackson v. Roosevelt

 
 
BasiliskLancer  [23 posts]
2 years ago
Jackson v. Roosevelt. Hells fuckin' yes.

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
Im digging this whole thing. But just a few notes because I'm gonna be "that douche." Roosevelt is justified in his wins, but you never brought up the fact that he led the charge of Bunker Hill on horesback. That = badassery. As for the Lincoln vs. Washington matchup, George Washington was 6'3 compared to Lincoln's 6'5. Not that much of a height difference.

 
Anonymous
2 years ago
You're forgetting the hat you evil... MONSTER!!!

 
 
palmtreebearer  [6 posts]
2 years ago
Only two of my picks held up... Oh well. 2 for 4 this round.

Roosevelt and Jackson for the next round.

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
I just lost 40 bucks!

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
Of all my original bracket only jackson is left =[

I called Roosevelt for the final 4 though once clinton was out, don't ask how I imagined clinton would beat Reagan AND Roosevelt.

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
I think what we're all forgetting is that George Washington is, in fact, a superhero, America's first and finest superhero.

No one really stands a chance against the power of freedom.

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
Actually, Jackson's political ideologies do not in any way shape or form mirror today's Democratic political strategery. He discouraged government controlled programs, had hateful distrust of banks, lowered taxes and tariffs, reduced the national debt, had a non-elitist attitude and had a strong intolerance of minorities (which makes him even more awesome). Does that sound like a modern day Democrat?

 
 
kingez77  [2 posts]
2 years ago
jackson over washington. epic battle. but 20 dollars is more than 1.
teddy over bush sr. no question about it.

 
 
zkujoe  [6 posts]
2 years ago
"Washington Uppercut!"
[/Sagat reference]

I seriously think Jackson has only been winning based on the fact Matt probably put the most detail into his picture and wants to get the most use out of it.

 
MattMelvin  "Head Robot"  [∞ posts]
2 years ago
Nah, Nixon and Lincoln are my favs. Oh, and of course Ben Harrison, our cutest President.

 
 
austinryan993  [15 posts]
2 years ago
I gotta say, we should not rule out Washington. This guy was a boss. First, Washington had fought in more than the revolutionary war, he fought in the French Indian war as well. Also, the man had the build of a football player. He was sort of a giant among men during his time, when people were shorter. He also endured the cold winters of valley forge himself and never actually left his army. Just saying, it does show he was an actual soldier. He also had a fiery temper and yelled at Hamilton for being late, which was what caused him to resign from the administration. You have to take those unnecessary bursts of rage into account.

Though, Jackson was admittedly awesome, he took a shot to the chest and lived, and Washington's intelligence was pretty overrated. A lot of his best strategies came from subordinates, who he had just listened to. All in all I think it would be a pretty even match up, considering both men were very badass.

Though Roosevelt should stomp H.W. without question. He just has so many credentials compared to H.W. Beating the crap out of friends for insulting his suit, forcing himself to become strong through sheer willpower because he was tired of being bullied for being weak in his childhood, and leading a bloody assault against a hill and still not tiring of war. All of this compared to a guy who lost because of Ross Perot. ROSS PEROT. That's like losing to a protectionist, Texan Ralph Nader.

I am going for a Roosevelt vs. Jackson with a Roosevelt total victory. But I would not count Washington out by any measure...

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
Not to be a jerk, but...George Washington did not belong to any particular political party. If I remember correctly, there were no perties until he got out of office (but I might be mistaken.) People like to go back and say, "Well, based on his policies, he was a..." Which is kind of disrespectful (at least in my opinion) due to the fact that he spoke out against forming political parties.

I don't feel like ranting.

Rooting for Jackson.

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
Shit. I can't believ "Action"-Abe didn't win the whole thing. I want Washington tested for steroids!

 
 
DangerSon  [2 posts]
2 years ago
Hey man, can I use the Uppercut as my profile pic on facebook? It's pretty badass and I would totally link people to you.

 
MattMelvin  "Head Robot"  [∞ posts]
2 years ago
Go right ahead!

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
SHORYUKEN!!!
Who knew that Washington invented that?