Nixon was able to demolish his opponent in the last round with some questionable tactics, but don't think it'll work again this time around. Lincoln would be ready and waiting for a handful of dirt. And even if Nixon tried it, Abe's patented top hat would protect him. Not to mention Nixon would have to throw it really high to get him in the face. Lincoln was freakishly tall.
Since Nixon and Lincoln only finished 5 and 4 years in office, respectively, the first three minutes of the match would be limited to taunting and name-calling.
Lincoln: "Four score and one match ago, my opponent was announced the victor of his previous duel. But I say that victory was stolen from his opponent!"
Nixon: "Bullshit! I won fair and square!"
Lincoln: "Nay, you stole from your opponent a fair match. You, sir, are a crook!"
Nixon: "I am not a crook!"
Lincoln: "Are, too!"
Nixon: "Are not!"
Lincoln: "Are, too!"
Nixon: "Are not!"
Lincoln: "Are, too!"
Nixon: "Eat the double peace signs, bitch!"
Nixon would then have one minute to openly attack Lincoln without recourse. Sadly for him, one minute is just not enough time. Abe could take hits for a minute no problem. And once that minute was up, go time. Lincoln would lay punch after honest punch into Nixon's face, one after another, as if each punch would free another slave. Those flabbity cheeks could absorb some of the impact, but Nixon would eventually bow out.
Lincoln: "Are, too."
Winner:
Match #8: Barack Obama vs. George Washington
Since Obama hasn't officially finished his tenure as President yet, we still can't determine how much beginning waiting time he'll have. As with the previous match, we'll give him the benefit of the doubt and award him time for one full term. Sadly for him, that still leaves him at a four minute disadvantage against our first President.
Obama may be quite the masculine guy, but he's also a smoker. Trying to survive for four minutes of beating with smoker's lungs? You're just not gonna fair well. He'll get through it, but by the end of those four minutes he'll be in such bad shape that Washington would have an easy time finishing him off.
This winning streak would cause Washington to get quite the ego boost. He'd place his foot on top of Barack's unconscious body and reenact the crossing of the Delaware. Then he'd pull out a dollar bill, yell out "I'm number 1!" and drop it at Obama's feet like Chris Rock dropping his mic, except not nearly as dramatic since a dollar bill would just sort of float to the ground. And it wouldn't make any sound, either. You know, now that I think about it, it's not like Chris Rock at all. Maybe he'd drop a few quarters instead? His face is on those, too. Although that's doesn't give the same "number 1" imagery as a dollar bill would. Maybe he wraps a dollar bill around four quarters. That would be sorta badass I guess.
Winner:
Man, I see in The Presidential Beatdown the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation passing laws, signing peace treaties; slaves with white wigs. Secession from England had us chasing boats to the New World, working jobs we hate so we can buy tea without being taxed. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We've had a few Great Wars. A Great Depression. We've all been raised to believe that one day we'd all be presidents. And we did. And we're very, very pissed off.
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