Click to enlarge.
As you can see, part one of the first round came with some absolutely devastating defeats. Isn't that right, Cliff? Today's matches look to be even better, with our current President Barack Obama's very first match and a fight that pits President against Vice President, George Washington vs. John Adams.
What's that Cliff? You haven't seen sportsmanship like this since your wedding? Haha, I gotta agree with ya there, old buddy. These distinguished gentlemen have carried themselves with pride and dignity through this first round thus far. One can only hope that bastard Nixon doesn't have any tricks up his sleeve, eh? Hahaha!
Well folks, it looks like our first match is ready: Carter vs. Ford. Let's head to the ring!
*click*
Fuuuuuuck me, Cliff. Talking happy bullshit to these jagoffs is hell. Hell, Cliff! You know, sometimes I find myself gently fellating the business end of a revolver, contemplating just ending it right then and there, but then I think to myself, I can't give these dickheads the satisfaction. Fuck me if I'll let any of these unappreciative assholes get the better of Charlie Fucking Cavanaugh.
What was that? My... my mic's still on? Ah shi-
Match #1: Jimmy Carter vs. Gerald Ford
Oh boy do we get a treat with this match. First fight of the day and it's easily the most interesting of all the match-ups. Seriously, it's all downhill from here. Might as well just stop reading after this.
Before we jump in, a quick history lesson. Gerald Ford was Nixon's VP when the whole Watergate scandal went down. To avoid being impeached, Nixon stepped down as President and Ford was sworn in. He took over for the remaining two years and change. Ford ran again in the following election, but lost to... Jimmy Carter, who started campaigning just months after Nixon's resignation. Kind of a dick move, but it worked.
Now on to the fight!
Since Ford only served for two full years, he isn't allowed to attack for the first six minutes. But Carter only served one term, so he can't attack for the first four minutes, either. Thus, our opponents are relegated to purely verbal insults for the start of the match. Ford, a former high-school and college football star, was a masterful insulter. If there's one thing the locker room teaches you it's how to verbally belittle people. That and how to immediately get on the defensive and assert your heterosexuality when caught looking at another guy's junk. It was only curiosity! I swear!
After four minutes of non-stop taunting and name-calling, with his spirit in the dirt, Carter won't be in great shape. But once those four minutes are up, he has a two minute window to attack Ford. He's beaten Ford in the polls before, now it's time to beat him in the dome. With, like, punches and stuff.
Here's when things start to fall apart. Jimmy Carter doesn't know what he's doing in a fight. While Ford was taking hits on the field and learning how to absorb pain, Carter was farming peanuts. Peanuts! Not even something interesting like tobacco or computers. Peanuts. Once that two-minute window is up, Ford would go apeshit on Carter and knock those huge teeth right out of his mouth.
Winner:
Match #2: James K. Polk vs. Herbert Hoover
James K. Polk is often referred to as the "dark horse" President. I have no idea what that actually means, but it sounds pretty badass. I can only imagine him walking into the dome with a huge hooded cloak that casts a shadow over his face, but you can still somehow see his glowing eyes. And he'd have some wicked Tim the Enchanter-style goat horns for some reason. Perhaps some real evil-sounding intro music, too. Like drone metal or something. Oh, and there would be a ton of fog for some reason. Real spooky like.
In the other corner would be Herbert Hoover, who had a vacuum named after him.
Winner:
