Spin-off: The Texas Hardware Store Questionable Chainsaw Purchase

Spin-off: The Texas Hardware Store Questionable Chainsaw Purchase
Apr. 2, 2010


August 7, 1939: A woman dies after giving birth to a child in a meat-packing plant in Travis County, Texas. The plant boss takes the newborn and abandons it in a dumpster outside. Luda Mae Hewitt, a woman dumpster diving for food, discovers the baby and takes him home. She names him Thomas.

Thomas was a disturbed child. His face was diseased, causing him to constantly cut off his skin; he was thought by many to be mentally retarded; and he enjoyed killing and butchering animals. Once grown up, he began working at the same meat-packing plant where he was born. When the plant is shut down, he is called a "dumb animal" and is angrily told to leave.

Thomas isn't pleased.

He comes back that night and kills the owner with a sledgehammer. The murder weighs heavy on Thomas' mind: a sledgehammer is such an unwieldy weapon to kill people with. Surely there must be something better. Thomas heads to the local Home Depot in search of such an instrument of death, perusing their expansive and reasonably-priced selection. Hammers are too small, weed-whackers don't do much damage, but then he finds the perfect weapon: a broadsword. Turns out it's just for display, so he gets a chainsaw instead.

Still dressed in his dirty, bloodied slaughterhouse garb, he takes the chainsaw to the register. "That'll be $67.40" says the cashier. Thomas pulls out his checkbook, clicks his pen open and starts to write when the cashier interrupts him. "Oh, sorry, but we don't take checks."

Thomas isn't pleased.

 Jordana Brewster > Jessica Biel 

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35 Comments
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Anonymous
2 years ago
dude, Matt . . . you're my hero.

 
 
hoppenscooter  [1 post]
2 years ago
that was great
matt is very pleased

 
 
impendio  [4 posts]
2 years ago
Thomas isnt pleased xD very good matt

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
Not as good as the others, funny all the same, though.

Also, NEVER GETTING TWITTER
WHOO

 
Anonymous
2 years ago
THOMAS ISN'T PLEASED

 
 
SaitoXD  [17 posts]
2 years ago
don`t take checks?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!? goddamit Home Depot!!! D:

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
this is the best thing ive read all day

-J

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
I'd kill him too if he didn't take my damn check! Great work Matt!

 
 
_rawrcutie_  [116 posts]
2 years ago
Man... that happened to me too!

 
 
Doomguy13  [1 post]
2 years ago
I like this version better than the actual movies. Sell the script to a movie studio.

 
 
BadicalDude  [30 posts]
2 years ago
"thomas isn't pleased"

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
Epiclolz... If this were real I would take the time to pirate it...

 
 
HatingYou4Ever  [5 posts]
2 years ago
lol

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
Matt, dude, I love you. But Lowes>>>>Home Depot.

 
 
jdst4r  [1 post]
2 years ago
Wait You Forgot the Part where he has a bout with erectile dysfunction in the meat plant.

 
Anonymous
2 years ago
No.

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
Sometimes I wish these were real movies...... *cries self to sleep*

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
That was pretty good.
And why does everyone here seem to totally kiss ass towards matt?
I refuse to kiss ass and get an account.

 
jroberts2010  [98 posts]
2 years ago
Hey I've got a question.
When you say" I refuse to kiss ass and get an account" are you saying those are two different and unrelated actions, or does one have to make an account to then kiss the ass of Matt?
I'm just wondering, but now I'm worried that if and when you reply, how will I know it's really you and not some other anonymous "Anonymous"?
I guess that'd be an advantage of having aforementioned account...

 
guyfromupover  [131 posts]
2 years ago
Robert, what i believe he is trying to get across is that almost all of the people that have accounts and have posted kiss matt's ass like no tomorrow, and he therefore assumes that all people who have accounts kiss matt's ass.

 
MattMelvin  "Head Robot"  [∞ posts]
2 years ago
Rule #8: All posts must kiss my ass.

 
AngryAlbatross  [5 posts]
2 years ago
Rule #8 is that there are no real rules about posting. I HAVE FOILED YOU.

 
guyfromupover  [131 posts]
2 years ago
matt, since when are you a rule man? i always pictured you as some badass mother effer who only saw rules and laws as a list of things to break. and don't worry, i'll keep that body you disposed of in the river our little secret.

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
Oh, so THAT's how it all happened. Glad I now know!

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
Home Depot takes checks D:

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
You guys should really update your RSS feed so i can read the lulz on my PSP at least do it for your "Things"category since those are already pictures

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
Holy fuck shit! I thought anonymous was just one guy who had the name anonymous and a sense of humor like me and he just kept posting controversal comments, making it seem like he was scitzofrenic! Now... I know! haha. I have a twitter... But I forgot my username and password... I logged in twice...

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
erg... I posted a comment explaining how I thought that "anonymous" was one person with a sense of humor like me and he just kept posting controversial comments to make it seem like was scitzophrenic(sp) and what not... Now I realize it's just abunch of people who don't have twitter accounts... Not as funny anymore... I'm gonna pretend it's still one person.

 
 
TomTrainwreck  [19 posts]
2 years ago
It's spelt Cheques.
I am not pleased.

 
Anonymous
2 years ago
i had no idea, are u sure? everywhere i see wee spell them checks.. idk..

 
Anonymous
2 years ago
Silly non-Americans.

 
 
NickWasHere09  [1 post]
2 years ago
excellent, truly you have a gift good sir.

 
 
Anonymous
2 years ago
Hmm home depot does take checks.... I'm surprised that no associate offered help though... Maybe he couldve bought the display perfect weapon at a discounted price.... Did he have I.d. On him?

 
 
branditheferret  [1 post]
2 years ago
Funny as always Matt. :D I figured I would finally join the land of the named.

Btdubs, TomTrainwreck, it can be either check or cheque, dependant on your country of living.

 
 
LaureoTheOreo  [5 posts]
2 years ago
Has nobody seen the real issue here?! Why would a broadsword be on display at home depot?!