I WROTE A BOOK, YOU GUYS!
The following is an excerpt from Dracula is a Racist: A Totally Factual Guide to Vampires, my very first book, available in April!
From vampires being able to do their hair without reflections to regular people dressing in all black and acting snobby to fake being a vampire, you'll find everything you could ever possibly want to know about the world of blood-suckers.
Get more information over here!
Sucking Blood
The blood is the life.
— Bram Stoker (Dracula, 1897)
— Bram Stoker (Dracula, 1897)
Blood is a symbol of life. As a human, if you lose enough blood you'll die. Vampires subsist by feeding on the blood of the living, an act commonly known as hematophagy. This feeding habit isn't unique to just vampires, either. Mosquitoes, worms, even Christians during communion all feed on blood.
"Mmmm... smooth."
Vampires don't require the blood itself, just the hemoglobin contained in it. Not to be confused with one of Spiderman's archenemies, The Hobgoblin, hemoglobin is a protein contained in red blood cells. Vampires are unable to naturally produce hemoglobin due to a peculiar type of anemia and are thus forced to feed on others.
Luckily, feeding isn't a regular requirement. The doctor-recommended amount of blood to drink is approximately one average-sized person per month. This varies depending on the size of the vampire, of course.
Getting That Perfect Bite
As science has shown, the human body is full of guts. Knowing where to get that perfect bite can be a long and arduous game of trial and error if you don't know what you're looking for. The last thing you want to do is get a mouthful of slimy insides.
Studies of anatomy can show us where the most efficient and accessible areas to bite are located.
The Neck
As Hollywood will show us, the neck is by far the most popular place for a vampire to bite. But aside from getting a good reaction shot, why is this?
The neck is home to the carotid artery, which supplies blood to the head and neck. It is the largest artery in the human body besides those in the heart. The blood flow and accessibility of this artery is second to none. It also allows you to take out the victim's vocal chords to prevent screaming. These same features are why assassins choose to go for the throat as well.
It should be noted that popping your collar has zero effect on deterring this type of attack against you. In fact, all this does is annoy vampires even more, giving them that much more of a reason to single you out to kill.
These wounds, they will not heal.
The wrists might not have quite the blood flow of the carotid artery, but they're much easier to access. Emotional teenagers cut this same spot when nobody will notice them, an action usually done while listening to nu-metal.
The Butt
The human butt has terrible blood flow, but it's just so degrading to the victim. It's the ultimate prank.
By biting somebody in the ass and letting them turn into a vampire, that poor sucker will be forever known as the butt-vampire. Just like how being bitten in the butt by a pirate turns you into a butt-pirate.
Hey Now
This last area is a little iffy on whether you should use it or not. In both males and females, the reproductive organs have exceptional blood flow. The downside to this, of course, is accessibility.
In order to get to these areas, you pretty much have to get intimate with your soon-to-be victim. With a vampire's seduction skills, this shouldn't be too much of a problem, though. And don't worry about your vampire girlfriend thinking you're sleeping around. Remember, eatin' ain't cheatin.'
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