I WROTE A BOOK, YOU GUYS!
The following is an excerpt from Dracula is a Racist: A Totally Factual Guide to Vampires, my very first book, available in April!
From vampires being able to do their hair without reflections to regular people dressing in all black and acting snobby to fake being a vampire, you'll find everything you could ever possibly want to know about the world of blood-suckers.
Get more information over here!
Count Chocula
Unlike most vampires, Count Chocula was friendly and non-violent. His vampirism was the result of being attacked and turned against his will. He despised being a vampire and loathed being associated with blood-sucking murderers. As a vampire, he vowed he would never bring the same pain upon any human being.
This proved difficult, however, as the lust for blood is impossible to overcome by pure force of will. Like a fat dude with cake, Chocula felt powerless over his cravings. He began dealing with this by feeding on rats, stray cats and dogs, the homeless and other animals nobody would care about if they were killed. Still, Chocula was unsatisfied with the life he had been forced into. He had to do something to change it.
Before becoming a vampire, Chocula was a brilliant research chemist and scientist. He had no experience with vampires or blood work in the past, but his relative lack of knowledge in the field wasn't going to stop him from spending every waking moment trying to find a cure to somehow reverse the effects of his newfound vampirism.
While testing for a possibility to negate the cravings altogether, he had his first major breakthrough. Due to an accident during one of his experiments, he was somehow able to convert his lust for blood into a craving for chocolate breakfast cereals. This was a huge milestone, but caused a slight problem: no cereal was ever good enough.
Cocoa Pebbles was alright, Cookie Crisp was just a joke and, sure, Cocoa Puffs turned his milk brown with chocolaty goodness, but it was still missing something. Unsatisfied with the available options, Chocula took it upon himself to create the best chocolate breakfast cereal in existence.
This audacious endeavor had piqued the interest of Lieutenant Mills, a breakfast cereal connoisseur and businessman who would later rise to the rank of General. Mills recruited Chocula for a position in cereal research and development. With Mills' backing, the Count spent years testing and experimenting with new combinations of cereal until he eventually found the missing piece of the puzzle he'd been searching for: marshmallows.
A popular Irish cereal at the time was filled to the brim with marshmallows—rainbows, blue moons and a multitude of various other colors and shapes. Chocula noticed this and experimented with a combination of chocolate-flavored marshmallows and frosted cereal, eventually bringing forth the creation of the best cereal to ever be produced.
Cereal + Chocolate + Marshmallows = YAAAAY.
Mills was so pleased with the results that not only did he name the cereal after the Count, but made him the mascot for it as well. Chocula never intended on becoming a mascot when he first set out, but he fit the bill amazingly well. He soon became one of the most popular mascots of all time, way better than an enthusiastic furry in a tiger costume. (They're grrrrrrross!)
Chocula never let this newfound success go to his head. He remained humble and kept close relations with his long-time friends. He even used his connections to get some of them, such as Franken Berry and Yummy Mummy, their very own cereals.
The Fresh Count of Bel-Air
Sir William the Fresh, a young vampire from West Philadelphia, born and raised, spent most of his days on the playground. William enjoyed spending most of his time with his friends, or as they liked to say, "chillin' out," "maxin'" or "relaxin' all cool."
Aside from drinking human blood, William played a lot of basketball outside of his school. One day while "chillin' out" with his compatriots, William was accosted by a group of local vampire hunters. He was able to escape unharmed, but the news of this altercation quickly reached William's mother. Frightened, she immediately arranged for William to be sent to live with his aunt and uncle in Bel-Air.
William hailed for a cab and was quickly greeted by a peculiar sight. The taxi that awaited him was adorned with a custom license plate that said 'FRESH' and had a pair of dice hanging from the rearview mirror. It was quite the rare sight. Upon entering the vehicle, William was met with quite a pungent odor. The odor wasn't garlic, but the stale stench of the taxi's driver. It was so strong however, that it might as well have been garlic. William very much wished to "smell [him] later."
The ride was unbearable, but it eventually arrived at his destination. William exited the vehicle, excused his driver, and set his eyes upon his new kingdom. The drastic change of scenery had effectively "flipped-turned" William's life upside down. He set his eyes upon this new land: a pure, untapped source of new victims. From that day forth, William reigned atop a throne of human skulls as the Fresh Count of Bel-Air.
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