The Amazon Kindle: Nope

Mar. 12, 2010

Over the past century or so, humanity has seen an explosion in the advancement of technology. Not many have embraced this technological shift quite as much as myself. I went to college to become a graphic designer. I own a phone so advanced that it shouldn't even be considered a phone anymore. I write self-referential articles about technology and publish them on the internet. I even know the correct definition of "meta." One such technological advancement, however, I just can't support.

The Amazon Kindle, if you don't know already, has done for books what the iPod has done for music: a single device allowing you to store multiple books and periodicals for easy reading. A great technological achievement, but done at a great expense.

Without a physical book, it's really hard to show people how much better I am than they are.

Forget about the smell of a new book or the aesthetics of dog-tagging pages and picking out bookmarks, flaunting my superiority is of the utmost concern. And the Kindle just can't do it. Putting influential works of literature in prominent places throughout my apartment in hopes of impressing visitors is just something the Kindle isn't capable of.

How else am I supposed to subtly condescend to others by letting them know about my advanced literary taste? Do you really expect me to read all these books and somehow work that fact into conversation? Please. You've severely misunderstood my intentions. I don't actually want to read Ulysses; I just want people to think I have.

And what about coffee table talking pieces? I need an actual physical book to help start my conversations. You can't just lay a Kindle on the table with The Grapes of Wrath on the screen. It doesn't work like that.

Technology is great and all, but sometimes you just need the real thing. Granted, I'm pretty much completely devoid of physical CDs nowadays, but music and literature are two entirely different beasts. If I wanted to be patronizing about music, I'd be commenting on others' musical choices, not my own. So I'm sorry, Amazon, but no thanks. I just have no use for a Kindle.

Unless I'm trying to impress gadget freaks...

79 Comments

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KathanZul [27 posts]
2 years ago

first. Ok gonna read it now.

MattMelvin "Head Robot" [∞ posts]
2 years ago

Fuck you.

KathanZul [27 posts]
2 years ago

Well Charles Darwin will be happy. At least we've advanced to the point of engineering this kind of lazy-ass crap. Hell, We can even put the Origin of Species into this thing.

I'm not big on reading. But when i read, i would prefer a book for separate reasons. One such reason would be that it looks like a bitch to work. I'm not a tech wiz. I don't know how to work these things.

a7xbuckeye99 [34 posts]
2 years ago

wow Matt, that was pretty harsh and unexpected

jroberts2010 [98 posts]
2 years ago

Well I would've be offended if Matt hadn't said it. Just claiming first cmmnt for proof that you just sit at your computer all day refreshing till you see something to be first on, it's pretty sad and VERY douchey....just sayin

MattMelvin "Head Robot" [∞ posts]
2 years ago

First posts are bullshit, especially when they obviously haven't even read the article yet. Adding nothing to the conversation is nothing to be proud of.

guyfromupover [131 posts]
2 years ago

Once again, Matt calls it as he sees it. I concur, by the way.

Anonymous
2 years ago

First internet posts are the biggest piece of shit invention by loser 12-year olds in history. http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1771556

KathanZul [27 posts]
2 years ago

Matt can suck my dick :| He isn't dictating everything I say. In fact - You should all be ashamed for being dickhole suckups.

'Sides I'm 15. I'm allowed to be immature.

StalkingPanda [10 posts]
2 years ago

Forty-Second.

MattMelvin "Head Robot" [∞ posts]
2 years ago

Not to beat a dead horse, PfeffaRah, but "first" posts are widely regarded throughout the internet as being empty wastes of comments and are very much frowned upon. I can't dictate what you say, but it would be appreciated by pretty much everyone around here it if you didn't do it again.

Or you could just be more angry and defensive and eventually get banned. Rules #3, no "first!" posts: http://www.robotswithfeelings.com/twitter/rules.htm

KathanZul [27 posts]
2 years ago

I'm not angry. I am, however, unamused with the amount of total suck ups on this site.

Besides, I don't care what anyone else thinks about my post. I wasn't seriously (by that i mean directly) insulting someone, so it's not offensive. If people learned to keep their opinions of other people's behaviour to themselves and not just post supporting you simply because you posted, then maybe the internet would be a better place.

I only express my views of suck-up comments because you express your views of "First post" comments. Therefore i am equal with everyone except matt, since it is impossible to suck up to yourself.

jroberts2010 [98 posts]
2 years ago

Hi there PfeffaRah,
I can somewhat understand your hostility towards Me or Matt or anyone else who's "ganged up" on you. It's natural to lash out uncontrollably when your back's up against a wall (metaphor). I know there's nothing I can do to make you realize that the act of publicly noting you were first on a comment on the internet is highly frowned upon :(<----like that, especially if you haven't actually read the article yet. Now, you may disagree with me and millions of other internet users, and after all you ARE entitled to your opinion. I just wanted to let you know that I would like to apologize on behalf of the entire internet for not realizing that you're only an immature fucking fifteen year old. I'm sorry friend :D truce?

StalkingPanda [10 posts]
2 years ago

"I am, however, unamused with the amount of total suck ups on this site."

/agree

The hollowness and unoriginality of a "first" post isn't far different from the utter absurdness of a "You're a god on earth Matt!!!1!1!!" post (or the likeness). I'm all for commending talent for its advancement, but such posts pass this degree and become, in my eyes, meaningless.

As is fighting on the internet.

Drama sinks ships, "Can't we all just be friends? With benefits?".

SamRavster [1 post]
2 years ago

Matt, it's less of a "Fuck you", but more of a "Fuck off". I'm sure you agree ;]

MattMelvin "Head Robot" [∞ posts]
2 years ago

The "you're a god" comments are definitely a bit much.

That said, the other posters weren't doing that at all. Look at guyfromupover's post. He's stating his opinion. Sure, he's agreeing with me, but it's a stance millions of people on the internet agree with AND it's clearly written in the rules. I don't care for empty suck-up posts, either, but don't lash out against other posters for expressing opinion. That's also against the rules! Blamo!

Now let's stop fighting and just be friends. As friends, I should let you all know that continued bickering about this will get your ass banned. Love you!

Anonymous
2 years ago

I have a feeling that PfeffaRah is trolling his ass off.

hamstatler19 [24 posts]
2 years ago

xD. Assholes who here to comment first, then read. What a plague upon humanity. >_>

Runt_de_Bardo [2 posts]
2 years ago

Do they have those Garfield books for the Kindle?

Yeah, I didn't think so. Screw you kindle!

darkerthanlight [15 posts]
2 years ago

I feel you Matt, when you buy an awesomeable thick book (ergo garfield NOT TWILIGHT) that you'll never read to show off and then comes this skinny anorexic piece of "kindle" it's not even a technological marvel when there's the ipod/pad/phone/crap to think about.
RAGE QUIT D:<

Anonymous
2 years ago

People actually read Garfield?

And fuck Twitter, Matt. I refuse to jump on that bandwagon, so you can suck on my anonymity!

Anonymous
2 years ago

twitter. oh god no.

Anonymous
2 years ago

I know right, heres my twitter post: Hey guess what im on my blackberry taking a shit, and im cool cause i use twitter

Anonymous
2 years ago

You went over 140 symbolas. Start again.

Draithy [50 posts]
2 years ago

I have my own vast reasoning for harboring hatred for the Kindle... but this is the most amusing set of reasons I've come across yet! :D
The world just can't support the "coffee table Kindle."

Anonymous
2 years ago

hahaha Matt you're the shit. your comment made me LOL more than the article.

guyfromupover [131 posts]
2 years ago

But matt, if you want to impress people with your collection of books and this kindle, you only put one book on it and then stack dozens or even hundreds on shelves in your house. Makes you look smart AND like you have more money then you know what to do with.

ImperatorJared [5 posts]
2 years ago

Damnit! You beat me to that comment... I was gonna say that you could look rich/geeky/exceedingly pretentious by buying a metric shit-ton of these and putting one book on them

SirCharles66 [1 post]
2 years ago

Oh Matt your ensight to the world is one to be cherished haha i had the same toughts on the kindle taking away from the intellectual appearance of my room. thanks for the articles that keep me thinking
(aslo I love Cyanide and happeniss, it's good to know other people have the same sence of dark humor as myself... that reminds me can you guys work out another depressing comic week?)

Anonymous
2 years ago

With the Kindle you can show the world your a tech snob as opposed to an intellectual snob. A tech snob who is too good for color displays.

_rawrcutie_ [116 posts]
2 years ago

Err.. you also can't kill bees with it.
Well, not without breaking it anyways...

ApterousAngel [3 posts]
2 years ago

It's the end of flaunting superiority! first Cd's...now books...what next? DVDs?

geeswild [14 posts]
2 years ago

can you say Blu-Ray?

Anonymous
2 years ago

So. I went exploring in my basement the other day, and noticed this fancy bookshelf, filled with leather-bound books by Poe and other fancy authors of such. Usually I just overlook the shelf when I go into the basement, but I pulled out one of the books, and they were like made of fancy thin paper. I asked my dad who's they were, and they were his! This made me think of my father as a smart, intelligent man, not just the fat lazy man that he is.

See if Kindle can do that.

Feathers13 [2 posts]
2 years ago

Can I just sneak into your basement and take your Poe book(s)? Or just marry you and take them all in a divorce settlement? Oh, my gods.
Am I terrible person? Haha.

Anonymous
2 years ago

Good article, I also feel the same about kindle ( but im a little more pretenious about it ). And im with anonymous guy up there, twitter is the dumbest thing possible but i digress suck it matt

jroberts2010 [98 posts]
2 years ago

OMG! Who cares! We all know just how extremely awful twitter is. Either make one or remian faceless poppycocks of unimportance. There's your choices you anonymous bastards. Not a big deal

Anonymous
2 years ago

just saying the kindle is good if you travel because it takes up less space then a couple books but that is probably its only advantage

BadicalDude [30 posts]
2 years ago

Okay so, I still own CDs 'cause I want to make Sure people KNOW music is my biggest passion and that If they're gonna be havin conversations in my house then they better be willing to discuss some Nirvana, Slipknot, and Tchaikovsky. Also in regards to the Kindle : HOW FUCKING LAZY CAN HUMAN BEINGS GET?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!? thankyou.

Anonymous
2 years ago

BadicanDude, if you knew anything about music then you wouldn't /ever/ put Tchaikovsky's name next to either of those *cough* bands. And, also, you probably would have picked a composer that not /everyone/ in the world has heard of, just to show deeper knowledge than the general public. And, lastly, if music were /really/ a passion of yours, you'd probably have your room filled with sheetmusic rather than CDs.
Go back to your Mom's basement, boi, and git off the internet.

Morrisonjake [1 post]
2 years ago

I guess I'm one of the eight people alive that still read books for fun. Though I'd rather read a book on my iPhone than on a kindle. With a kindle everyone knows it's a book you're reading and you look like an asshole for not just buying a paperback. But on an iPhone when someone asks what you're doing you can say "oh, I'm listening to music and reading a book ON MY PHONE, bitch"

zeHobocop [4 posts]
2 years ago

I would get a Kindle in an instant if it were a couple hundred dollars cheaper. Since it's not then I find it to just be a waste of money.

I bet those Anonymous guys who all posted saying bad things about Twitter were the same person.

Anonymous
2 years ago

On the plus side of the Kindle argument, now you don't have to worry about hiding away all your dog-eared copies of Danielle Steele, and John Grisham if happen to have a lady visitor.

Anonymous
2 years ago

Satirical articles aren't as funny when people know you're joking. I was expecting comments of angry people flaming your shallow-ness.

joon_net [12 posts]
2 years ago

I once killed a small snake that my cat had brought in using "Object Oriented Design in C++", an otherwise dry and acedemic tome.

How will I kill snakes with a Kindle? I would have to fling it like a ninja star...

Anonymous
2 years ago

I agree 100% Matt - I want people to see my Republic, On Liberty, Wealth of Nations etc - Because I am better than them - fuck society and their shitty kindle.

BadicalDude [30 posts]
2 years ago

Okay to the annonymous bitch who decided to try to make look stupid : You can't diss me because I like classical with modern music. I own sheet music for Tchaikovsky, Mozart, Karl Jenkins and others. But you know what annonymous dumbass? Bands don't provide sheetmusic I can't play Nirvanan on the Violin. I enjoy all music so you can FUCK OFF. sorry everyone else has to read this

Anonymous
2 years ago

You sound angry

Anonymous
2 years ago

Lol, trolled.
Anyway - the point isn't mixing Tchaikovsky with modern music, the point is mixing it with shit music. Try some bands whose members at least have the decency to play an instrument well before making a record.
And, if you weren't shit, you'd transpose the songs by ear, for the most part, anyway. Do some triple stopping for the harmonies, bro, if you're so l33t with your violin.
And, once again, you listed /only/ mainstream classical stuff (I say classical, even, as we all know, Tchaikovsky was romantic and Jenkins is /very/ modern), even when showing off.
Have you ever actually studied music, you just had practical tuition?
By the way, I'm sorry 'everyone else' had to read your post, too.

Anonymous
2 years ago

Yeah but Slipknot and Nirvana suck. Sorry about anonymous posting, it had to be said though.

Anonymous
2 years ago

i dnt know. the slipknot drummer is ok.
ther songs are still bad, tho

LukeKimmell [7 posts]
2 years ago

You know what matt, you need to come up with a way to delete post, so that butt munches won't get the satisfaction of having no life

MattMelvin "Head Robot" [∞ posts]
2 years ago

I actually have the option, I just chose to make him an example so others won't do it in the future.

jroberts2010 [98 posts]
2 years ago

Hmmm...is there a way you can label aforementioned posts as "how not to portray your opinions on the interent"?....actually that's kinda long. Maybe just label it "Butt Muncher Post".........sorry for rambling

a7xbuckeye99 [34 posts]
2 years ago

i like it, your entertaining and teaching by making an example out of butt munches, you should add a rule that says no anonymous posts

Anonymous
2 years ago

And how, exactly, douches, was the legion made example of?

Anonymous
2 years ago

Lol at article. second time I read it though. first time I did'nt get it.
and for your japanese letering tatoo article, I'm a dick is:
��̓y�j�X�ł�
Which literatally means:
I am a penis.

Anonymous
2 years ago

Don't understand bashing this. My dad's a huge bookworm, blowing through books every 1-2 days with ease. He's had the Kindle for like 7 months now and he no longer has books laying about to recycle/throw away/whatever and can enjoy reading with just one tool. I hate reading myself, but it's still great.

_N_M_G_ [12 posts]
2 years ago

One question, can you download porn on it?

DavidRC9702 [8 posts]
2 years ago

If you've ever tried that with an actual book, there is something very wrong with you... Nah, jk... even if you could it would look like a gameboy screen which just looks stupid.

ColonelCrispy [1 post]
2 years ago

1. Posting "first" is disrespectful to the author of the article as it means you couldn't be arsed to read the thing first and make a relevant comment, this isn't a concert where you brag you got the best seats for it.

2. I agree books are always useful to have, even if for decoration, I mean, what would you rather hit someone over the head with, a hardback of War & Peace or some device you spend several hundred dollars on, and probably cry like a girl over breaking? I can't even fathom even reading Cyanide and Happiness or Robots with Feelings on that thing anyways!

3. I love the rules, so simple to understand even an 8 year old could understand it, not too many big words.

Anonymous
2 years ago

Fifty Sixth!

I'm posting anon.

Matt, you're an utter God.

That should piss off enough people for one article...

kchou12 [1 post]
2 years ago

buying a new book is like having a child that makes you feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. ebooks are like trying to shove a newborn into a box for convenience; it works, but so does VEAL

Anonymous
2 years ago

This is exactly why I have records and CDs.

Elizashizzle [34 posts]
2 years ago

The Kindle helps me not look like a freak when I travel. Instead of devoting an entire suitcase to books, creating bulk and possibly back strain, I can just take a Kindle with me.

Amazon should pay me for this.

PandorasNoob [1 post]
2 years ago

First of all, are you working for Twitter?

You evil man. I had to make a Twitter account just to comment, but I loved this. I also feel pretty smart when I read :D.

Screw you, Kindle, ruining my smarterness.

Now, I'm gonna go back to lurking.

lewax00 [1 post]
2 years ago

Wait...how is the Kindle lazy? You still have to read the book. It doesn't take any less work. That said I still prefer my physical books. How else would I prevent my lap from being burned by my cheap laptop?

mayker [7 posts]
2 years ago

Why does everybody commenting sound so hateful?
We should be happy!
Matt took time out of his life to set this site up and post some funny articles to make us, the readers, laugh! And you guys can't stop whining about Twitter, why nirvana sucks, that d-bag pfeffarah, and jagoffs that only say they like classical music because they want to seem like they are better than others! What is wrong with you guys?
And the kindle is arguably the 35th worst piece of technology since the year 2000.

Anonymous
2 years ago

iPad < Kindle < first posts < women's rights < human excrement

MattMelvin "Head Robot" [∞ posts]
2 years ago

You had me 'til that last one.

ttsgeb [3 posts]
2 years ago

yeah... that last one puts all the others way higher than they really are...

Anonymous
2 years ago

You also can't slam somebody's nose between the pages...

josh_jacobson [1 post]
2 years ago

You know what's funny, I just pre-ordered your new book on my Kindle!

iburnmathbooks [31 posts]
2 years ago

what the fuuuuuuuuck!? Why do all my comments dissapear!? What the fuck is going on!?

MattMelvin "Head Robot" [∞ posts]
2 years ago

You're spamming. Knock it off.

Anonymous
2 years ago

You may have failed to realize something:
Bookcases are good for showing that you are better than others in your home, but what about...

OUTSIDE?

This is where the Kindle and other slate type computers come in, as one cannot easily lug around a bookshelf...

Also, have you ever seen the movie "Sharks in Venice"?

Feathers13 [2 posts]
2 years ago

Actually, they're amazing if you're like me and spend wayyy too much money on physical books. Although it might just become redundant with me, since I'll keep buying actual books anyway... Oh, well, at least I can download free ones!
Oh, and I have a nook, not a Kindle. Just sharing.

Elizashizzle [34 posts]
1 year ago

Good news, Matt! I just got a Kindle 3 yesterday (contrary to my previous comment, I was trying to add some humour) and the second book I bought was Dracula is a Racist. Then I thought, "oh yeah, he put that post on Robots about not liking Kindles, I hope he doesn't mind." Do you mind?

MattMelvin "Head Robot" [∞ posts]
1 year ago

I'll let it pass this time. But just this once!