Reviews of Movies I Haven't Seen: The Expendables

Jan. 20, 2010

The Expendables, slated to hit theaters later this year, is an action movie written and directed by Sylvester Stallone. Cool! He is also the star of the film. WHAT.

No offense to Stallone, the man is an action movie legend, but his heyday is long gone. I can just imagine the deep-voiced movie trailer guy narrating the previews for the movie.


Seriously, the guy's 63 years old. He broke his neck while filming this thing and now has a metal plate in there. Time to chill out, Sly. I think once you're eligible for the senior discount at the theater, your choice of movie roles needs to dramatically change.



He could even form a support group with Steven Seagal and Jean Claude van Damme for unintelligible-speaking retired action stars who are finding it hard to leave the spotlight. If anything, do what Clint Eastwood did and be the wise, old mentor dude. It's not like action stars are in such a high demand we have to take an old horse out of the stable, right? Can't we find another meathead to shoot and punch people? What's Jason Statham doing?

Oh, he's in the movie, too? Hmm. Who else is? Jet Li!? Dolph Lundgren!? STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN!? Holy shit, this movie is amazing. Wait, there's even more!? Eric Roberts! Terry Crews! Mickey Rourke! Danny Trejo! Bruce Goddamn Willis! Arnold. Fucking. Schwarzenegger.

They even dig up the corpse of Bruce Lee for a cameo.

I was so very, very wrong. I take it all back. Stallone is a god amongst us mere mortals. May we bask in the presence of action movie divinity. All hail the Italian Stallion!

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